In my experience, being a mom isn’t really something you can prepare for. And while you can have all the advice in the world — you have to make your own mistakes too. I knew what not to do and yet I still did some of it. Why? Because it felt right at the time. Honestly, some of those early months are a bit of a blur. Hello, hormones and sleep deprivation. That said, I want to share some of the most important lessons I’ve learned over these last 15 months because maybe, just maybe, you’ll take some of my advice to heart. Or, or, you’ve been in the same boat and will feel comforted knowing at least one other person has been there too and gets it. So, without further ado…

Don’t be a hero. I believed if my job title was stay at home mom, well, I had to be really damn good at it. And for some inexplicable reason, that meant I had to do almost everything myself. I’m someone who craves control and can be a bit of a perfectionist, and so during Levi’s first year it was hard for me to trust others with his care. I also felt a strong need to prove myself as a mother, and as a result I didn’t hire enough help to begin with. What’s more, I turned down many offers for free (yes, free) help from willing family members.

This was wrong, SO wrong. The saying it takes a village to raise a child is just as true in our fast paced modern society as it was back when the term was coined (anyone know when that was)? We are not meant to do this alone. I repeat: we are not meant to do this alone, and we need all the support we can get. I actually felt guilty, that’s right— guilty leaving Levi with others in order to take some much needed time for myself. Well, playing the martyr eventually got old and led me to feel resentful and burnt out. I also think it’s one of the many reasons I ended up struggling with postpartum anxiety and, later, depression. So please don’t feel bad for getting help if you can afford it, and for the love of god don’t turn down free offers of help so you can practice self care (or at least accept most of them)!!! Others may not follow your baby’s routine as well as you’d like, but you deserve the break, and chances are your child will be just fine. This brings me to my second point…

It’s okay to break the rules sometimes. I love routine. A lot. I do better with structure, and I’m a firm believer kids benefit from rules and routine as well. That said, I’ll be the first to admit I became too obsessed with maintaining Levi’s sleep schedule during his first year. I mean I would literally stress out if he missed his nap or bedtime by more than ten minutes.

In addition to wanting Levi to get the rest he needed (and let’s be honest — I needed too), I desperately wanted to have a sense of control over both our schedules. My well intentioned desire to have him go to sleep on time and in his crib caused me to turn down many plans and outings. Unfortunately, my actions left me feeling more anxious and isolated than ever before and ultimately contributed to my PPD and anxiety.

Experience has taught me nothing bad will happen to either one of us if Levi goes to bed later once in a while. Even sleep experts will tell you well rested children can tolerate missed naps or later bedtimes every so often. In fact, it’s a normal part of life to make exceptions. But because of my postpartum anxiety, something so obvious just wasn’t clear to me at the time. Thank goodness I sought help. Not being afraid to break the rules here and there has made motherhood so much more enjoyable and I’m deeply grateful I was able to get there.

“This too shall pass”. When Levi was four months old, I became convinced he would never sleep through the night. When he still wasn’t sleeping through the night at six months — I resigned myself to an endless fate of night wakings. But then at seven months he slept through the night! Yes, there was some difficult sleep training leading up to the momentous event, followed by a couple of rough nights of ignoring his cries (I knew he wasn’t crying out of hunger but out of a need for comfort), however, we did it.

Anytime someone with older kids said, “this too shall pass,” I scoffed at their smugness. I didn’t believe them, and so I just went on being anxious and stressed. The truth is, when you’re in the thick of things it’s hard to see the light. But it’s there. Trust me. In time, Levi learned to sleep through the night; it wasn’t easy but he got onto a nap schedule, and he overcame his first bout of separation anxiety. He eventually took a bottle of milk and learned how to drink from a straw. I know there will be bigger challenges down the road, but now when someone tells me this “too shall pass” — I’ll smile in agreement.

Breast isn’t best if it’s interfering with your well-being. I’m not going to argue with the research in support of breastfeeding, what I will say is I regret putting my desire to breastfeed ahead of my own physical and mental health. For a few months I was in denial about how bad my anxiety had gotten, but around the time Levi was eight months I realized I probably needed medication. I contemplated it, but ultimately I decided to try and breastfeed till his one year birthday. Why? Because up until that point Levi refused formula and I worried he would be hungry, also because I enjoyed breastfeeding and believed it had become an essential part of his sleep routine.

I thought I was putting Levi first, however, by not taking care of myself I was doing both of us a disservice. My anxiety and insomnia only worsened, and it wasn’t long before I began feeling depressed as well. At that point I stopped breastfeeding and started taking medication for anxiety/depression and insomnia. Surprise, surprise, Levi took a bottle of milk, and I can’t say either of us missed breastfeeding all that much. In about a month’s time I became a happier and more present mom, which is so much more important than whether Levi was breast or bottle fed. I know this now, and I hope anyone reading this won’t sacrifice their health and/or well-being for the sake of breastfeeding.

Find yourself a mom tribe. Loneliness wasn’t something I dealt with until I became a mom. I didn’t feel it as much when the weather was nice and I could take Levi on plenty of walks, but once it got incredibly hot I found myself home bound for most of the day having pretty one-sided conversations. My group of friends lives thirty minutes away (further with traffic), which wouldn’t be so bad if Levi didn’t cry for most of the drive. Still, I should’ve made more of an effort to make plans, but as I mentioned earlier, I was too busy maintaining Levi’s sleep schedule.

Once Levi was eight months, I signed us up for mommy and me classes, and eventually I started making a couple of mom friends in the area. I also accepted friends’ invitations to “set me up” with other moms (something I had been reluctant to do), and I bluntly asked neighbors with kids for their phone numbers. As I said above — we are not meant to do this alone, and surrounding yourself with moms, especially ones with kids close in age who live nearby — makes a world of a difference. Mom friends can offer advice, ideas, as well as some much needed adult conversation during play dates. They understand what you’re going through better than anyone else and that’s huuuge.

Don’t forget to be kind to yourselves mamas.

XOXO

Val