We found out I was pregnant on March 15, the same day we began to quarantine. The pregnancy was planned (I don’t do unplanned), but the news was overwhelming to say the least. Having suffered from postpartum anxiety, mild depression, and insomnia during my first year of motherhood, I went into this pregnancy with a degree of uncertainty. I  knew that given my experience, I would probably never think it was the right time to have another baby, but since we were sure we wanted two children — we went for it anyways. You know the saying, “people plan and God laughs?” Well, it certainly felt like that. Suddenly my fiery toddler was out of school; my husband was working from home, and I was pregnant and two weeks into studying to become a certified pediatric sleep consultant. It was a lot.

Almost immediately, my dear friend anxiety resurfaced, and, as is often the case — he brought insomnia along for the ride too. It was a rough first month of quarantine, but thankfully with the help of family and plenty of therapy, I was able to adjust (more or less) to this new normal. What made it easier was that Levi was happier than ever to be home and spending plenty of time with us — especially his grandma and auntie (they’ve been literal lifelines for me), and after a month of chaos, we found our groove and got into a new routine.

It helped that the weather was gorgeous and we have a backyard and swimming pool (also lifelines). I count my lucky stars that my pregnancy has been relativly “easy” thus far (no pregnancy is really easy if you ask me), which has been a big blessing. There have been plenty of really good days; lots of beautiful moments where it’s just the three of us spending more time together than we would under normal circumstances; moments when I wish I could freeze time. 

Of course this doesn’t mean there haven’t been moments and days when I just want to scream at the top of my lungs heeeeelpppppppp, make it stop, wake me up. Or times when I feel so tired and achy I just want to stay in bed all day, and I get resentful that I can’t do that because I have a toddler to care for along with other adult responsibilities. I constantly worry about how I’ll be able to juggle a toddler and a newborn in this strange “new normal”, and without part of my village. 

I miss my family back in Montreal; dinners with friends; date nights, group dance classes, and other freedoms I used to take for granted. For the most part I find myself able to feel better by focusing on what really matters: my family’s health and well-being; a roof over my head, but other times I just need to be sad and mourn all the losses, and I give myself permission to do that too.

Yes I worry about catching COVID-19 more so than if I wasn’t pregnant, and every trip to the doctor’s office is filled with a degree of anxiety and an inordinate amount of hand sanitizer. Sometimes I get extremely angry at the world that what’s very likely to be my last pregnancy has been filled with so much fear and worry as a result of COVID-19. I feel I was robbed a bit. But, life by nature is unfair, and every day I hope and pray for a healthy baby. 

The days are loooong but surprisingly the weeks have been flying by even though it’s summer in Miami and hot as f*%k. Levi recently started a learning pod with a teacher from his school and five other children. It’s  at my friend’s house Monday to Friday 9-1. Given the infection rates in Miami and the fact we’re having a baby in November — this feels like the best/safest option for our family.  Levi is already benefiting from being around other kids and having a routine outside the house. My husband and I have been seeing a couple close friends in our respective backyards for socially distant get-togethers, but Levi didn’t have any playdates for almost 2 months before his pod started.

It feels great to have a somewhat “normal” routine again with his pod starting, and I know he’ll especially benefit from it when there’s a new baby in the house vying for mommy and daddy’s attention. I truly don’t think parents are meant to be their child’s teachers, playmates, and entertainers for this long — it’s not good for anyone, not to mention it’s tiring AF.

In just two months we’ll be a family of four, which fills me with both joy and fear. Other moms keep saying things to me like “one plus one does not equal two,” and “you think you’ve got your hands full now…” and while I appreciate the honesty (I’m all about it in fact), it definitely makes me feel overwhelmed at times. 

This time around though, I’m not trying to prove myself like I did with my first child — I’m no longer embarrassed when it comes to asking for help, and I’m hiring all the help we can afford. I’m not the same mom I was three years ago; I’m stronger, smarter, and more self-aware, and I remind myself of that everyday. I know they weren’t kidding when they came up the saying “this too shall pass” because I’ve lived it. 

Sending lots of virtual hugs to all the mamas out there trying to get through these uncertain times one day at a time. Keep supporting each other. We got this!

XOXO

Val