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| We did it! Our very intimate wedding in South Beach, Miami |
I’ve been married for almost one month now, and the question I’ve been getting the most is: so, what’s married life like? While I’ve spent many moments in the shower trying to conjure up a smart, witty and wise answer, the best I’ve been able to come up with has been: it’s, umm, the same. Why? Because it’s pretty much the truth. Continue reading
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| Couples who nerd around together, stay together. |
In the early stages of dating, the ex conversation will inevitably come up. For some, it’s a chance to get to know the other individual on a deeper level, while for others the experience is akin to ripping off a band-aid. In short, they want to know in as few words as possible if there are any restraining orders, divorces or deaths they have to be privy to. Spare the extra details please.
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| “Don’t get mad — get everything” – Ivanna Trump, The First Wives Club |
Countless articles and books have been published on the subject of how to fight “well,” i.e., productively in a relationship. I’ve read all of them. Ok fine, I’ve read A LOT of them, and yet I still fight like a little girl. If it was socially acceptable, I’d stomp my feet, shake my fists and scream: “me,” “me,” “me” while turning a deep shade of crimson.
Rarely do I even bother trying to look at the situation from my boyfriend’s perspective. No, I get so blindsided by my emotions (anger, fear, sadness, jealousy etc), that my ability to think rationally vanishes. I try to express my feelings to my SO, yet I’m unable to string together coherent thoughts because naturally, I’m sobbing profusely. My one and only goal becomes to convey my current emotional state; I might as well be shouting: me,” “me,” “me”.
When one fights this way, the other person reacts not with sincere apologies and affectionate embraces (the preferred, yet unrealistic response) but rather with a line of defence. That’s because it’s in many peoples’ natures to respond to such an attack with a similar tone of aggression, and to argue their point. Of course, such a reaction infuriates me further and causes me to go on the defensive. And so the circle of fighting continues until both parties are too exhausted to carry on arguing.
At the end, the issue isn’t resolved, everyone’s upset, and I feel disgusted, embarrased and sad about how I handled the situation. Suddenly, the fight’s aftermath is exceedingly worse than the very thing that was being fought over. Wonderful.
I don’t start fights often, it’s just not my thing, but fighting is an inevitable part of any healthy relationship. That said, I knew I needed to change my approach, and so rather than buy a book or read an article, I turned to my parents for advice. They’re incredibly wise and have been happily married for nearly forty years, so I assumed they’d have some thoughts on the topic.
Almost immediately, good ol’ dad said my main problem was making a trajedy out of every disappointment, disagreement and issue that bothered me. It wasn’t until he said it that it occurred to me I was indeed blowing everything WAY out of proportion. Somehow, I was convincing myself that a matter that could easily be resolved with good communication and effort was actually going to lead to the end of my relationship — and to the end of the world. Clearly, I can be quite dramatic.
The thing I’ve learned is most relationship problems can be solved provided both players are willing to do the leg work. However, the same cannot be said if one person (hello) is trying to express themselves via freaking out and lashing out at the other without giving any thought to the big picture or their SO’s point of view. No one likes to feel attacked, and individuals respond way better to calm people rather than hysterical ones (pleased to meet you).
After my epiphany of sorts, I’ve resolved to think things through and stay calm before and during a fight. I’m trying to reserve going into tragedy mode for actual tragedies (read: sickness, death, danger etc.). I will not, as ABBA so aptly put it, “go wasting my emotion(s),” on that which is in my power to solve. Now can I get an amen?
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| Doling out wisdom from my high horse |
Twenty-six. I’m officially closer to 30 than I am to 20, but you know what? I’m A-ok with that. Why you ask? Well firstly, I eat a lot of “superfoods,” so really, I’m actually getting younger by the day, perhaps even by the minute. Secondly, 25 was better than 24, therefore basic math dictates 26 has to eclipse 25, right? Right? And last but certainly not least, with each year that goes by, I continue to amass more wisdom, meaning it’s only a matter of time before I’ll reach Dalai Lama status, and what more could one want out of life than that?
Though I am not quite on the level as His Holiness, yet, I love using my birthday as an excuse to get on my high-horse share some of the knowledge and insights I’ve gleaned over the past year. So now, without further ado, here are some words of wisdom from a 26-year-old (FYI: that’s me!).
“Ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country.“ In case you’re wondering, the answer is no, I did not come up with this quote, it’s actually from J.F.K’s inaugural address. Basically, over the last year, with the help of inten-sati classes (the affirmation shouting mind- body workout), I’ve realized how often I play the victim card. I’m constantly getting upset over something someone did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say, and I get so wrapped up in placing blame on others that I forget to stop and think about what I can do to affect the situation.
This can mean a seemingly trivial gesture as smiling at the rude coffee shop cashier, or something bigger like calling up your best friend to see how she’s doing instead of fretting over why she hasn’t bothered to ring you. Since we can only truly control ourselves, why not make like Gandhi, and “be the change [we] wish to see in the world.” Trust me, you’ll never feel badly about doing something good for others.
The grass is always greener on the other side, and the sooner we can accept that, and move forward, the better off we’ll be. When I was working full-time, all I could think about was how I have no time to get anything done and how annoying it was to have each day follow a similar pattern. But sure enough, as soon as my contract was up, I found myself missing my routine and wondering how I would fill up my days. Sound familiar?
For many of us, having the grass-is-always-greener syndrome is a normal facet of life, and I’ve come to understand there’s no need to feel guilty about it. Once I accepted there’s nothing wrong with missing the very things I was complaining about, I was able to focus on my present situation and think about what would suit me the best going forward. At the end of the day, there’s always one patch of grass that’s just a little more green than the other.
Coconut oil works wonders on dry, damaged hair, and Argan oil makes your skin glow. As much as I love my ombré hair, after coloring it for the third time, my ends were seriously fried. Desperate, I decided to do a coconut oil hair mask which has been all the rage since Miranda Kerr admitted to being a fan. The result: aside from making my hair smell delicious, it totally salvaged my damaged locks, now if only I can stick to doing it regularly.
The key is to buy extra virgin organic coconut oil, and to put about 1/2 a tablespoon’s worth on your ends (preferably on dry hair), then tie your hair back and cover with a shower cap and a warm towel. Leave it in for 20-30 minutes and make sure to wash your hair very thoroughly afterwards. Do this treatment once a week to once a month depending on how dry your strands are.
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| Living Foods Extra Virgin Coconut Oil is amazing for dry, damaged hair |
A little Argan oil (I like Josie Maran’s Organic Argan Oil), goes a long way. I’ve started applying a couple of drops to my face each night before moisturizing, and I swear the next day my skin has this dewy glow. I also like to rub a little on my split ends and cuticles, though I can’t say I’ve seen results just yet.
If you’re not excited to go on a second date with someone, don’t bother going. I think that one speaks for itself.
Fear is the enemy. Every day, the toughest challenge for me is overcoming my fears. Apart from being terrified of pigeons and falling flat on my face down a flight of stairs, I fear failure, change, of offending someone, and a host of other things. My knee-jerk reaction in most circumstances is to say “I can’t”, or “I’m afraid,” or “what if.”
Being in a relationship with someone I love is amazing, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed by my fears of things going wrong that I turn into the pathetic version of myself I so deeply despise. The thing is, fear is not the path to personal or professional happiness — quite the opposite. For me, it all boils down to catching myself when I’m about to act out of fear and reminding myself that nothing good can ever come of it. It’s about changing my inner dialogue from “I can’t” to “I will” and focusing on the present. Easier said than done, but I be tryin’.
Surround yourself with people who support you and inspire you to be better. You know that friend who is always a Negative Nancy and is constantly trying to bring others along for her miserable ride? Yeah, you should try to see her as little as possible because you’ve got bigger things to do, namely focusing on how you can be the best version of yourself.
Ditch the dating rules and listen to your gut. It didn’t take me too long to arrive at the conclusion that following some arbitrary dating rules was futile, but sadly it didn’t mean I stopped second guessing myself entirely and wondering whether I was doing the “right ” thing.
For instance, after going on an incredible first date, the guy asked me to come out with him and his friends the next night. Worried I might come across as too available, I wasn’t sure if I should go. When I asked a trusted advisor, his answer was: “Val, it’s your life, not a game of chess; do what you want.” The bottom line was I wanted to go, and so I did. Five months later, we’re still together and I couldn’t be happier. So there you have it.
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| Perennially stylish Diane Kruger wears a Calvin Klein look that’s both guy and girl pretty. |
But here’s the caveat: when I posed the same question to a female friend, her knee-jerk reaction was “dress.” Muy interesante. It’s no secret there are outfits that are strictly girl pretty, meaning while women will appreciate it, the look will be completely lost on guys. Usually such ensembles fall under the category of super trendy, highly embellished and/or too long and/or loose. For more information, please see: Man Repeller.
My friends and I often discuss the subject of whom do women dress for: themselves? other women? or men? First and foremost, I dress for myself, because if I don’t like my appearance, I couldn’t care less whether others do; and then, depending on where I’m going and whom I’m going to be with, I make a conscious choice to dress either for men or women. Yet lately, as I strive to streamline my wardrobe and make lasting fashion purchases, I’ve been thinking: can you dress for both equally without sacrificing your personal style? According to yours truly, the answer is a resounding yes. However, for those of us who get giddy over maxi skirts and frilly blouses, it does require some effort.
Allow me to let you in on a secret: men like women’s bodies, so if you want a male-approved look, show (some) of it off. Here’s another secret: women also like when women flaunt what they’ve got, provided it’s tasteful and feels authentic. For instance, while some dames can pull off a body-hugging short dress and look decidedly elegant (i.e., Gwyneth Paltrow) — my discomfort would instantly give me away. That said, I have no reservations exposing my legs, I would just choose a dress/shorts/skirt that suits my style, and I’d keep my top simple, but not plain because I’m a sucker for interesting draping and details, and I’d make sure it was neither too tight nor too loose. Think a fitted black leather mini, with a half-tucked black and white striped T, high heels and a jean jacket you can easily toss on and off.
Now you’re probably thinking, okay Val, so let’s say my clothes can do double duty and charm both sexes, what happens if on a given day I’m leaning more towards one than the other? I’m so glad you asked because this is a quandary that’s easily solved by none other than a gal’s best friend: accessories. Therefore, while both guys and gals will appreciate the aforementioned outfit with heels, I know ladies will get a kick out of seeing it paired with chic sneakers, oxfords, or riding boots, whereas the fellas would prefer a single sole pump. And while costume jewelry tends to be wasted on men, even the simplest sartorial choice will earn a gal pal’s seal of approval if it’s topped off with some stellar bling. Now go and get yourself some well-deserved compliments.
XOXO
Val
I text, you text, heck — even my mom texts. When it comes to the early stages of dating, I’ll choose texting over the phone any day — it’s casual, to the point, and I always sound so much wittier. I definitely don’t say “like” as much via text; my fifth grade teacher would be proud. However, the informality of texting is precisely what I love and loathe about it. For instance, the other day, a guy canceled a date over text a mere hour prior. Sure it was peppered with apologies, but something tells me he would’ve shown up despite his “crazy day at work” if his only way of canceling was to pick up the phone and say sorry voice-to-voice. Thoughts? Discuss.
Why can’t we take advantage of the benefits of texting rather than using the medium as a means to act with an extra dose of disrespect? This isn’t only a dating issue, although that’s when it typically stings the most, but my friends, myself included (I know, even I make mistakes), are also guilty of texting-enabled rudeness. If you’re on the phone and you’re asked about your weekend plans, you can’t pretend you didn’t hear the question, but with texts you can reply days later, saying anything from: “my phone just turned off” (sometimes it does happen), to: “I saw your text, then got distracted by “x” and forgot to answer — oops, sooo sorry”. Catch my drift? I realize it’s unrealistic (a gal can dream), to enact a set of dating texting rules so we can all loosen our death gripes on our phones, but next time you either don’t respond to a text, don’t respond within an appropriate time frame, cancel plans at the last minute (the list goes on), ask yourself: would I do this if texting wasn’t an option?
Lastly, I would love to hear your thoughts on how long is too long to reply to a text message. Two hours? six hours? One day? Is there even such a thing in today’s fast-paced, informal dating culture? What about with regards to friends or acquaintances? Side note: my next interaction with the “date-canceler” involved me having to wait over 24 hours for a response. Needless to say, I was pissed off. I know this is a contentious subject, and even I, with my OCD-type personality have been guilty of returning calls AND texts a day, or — gasp — two later. Does it count that I knew it was wrong, apologized, and I’ve only done it again five, maybe six times? I hope to hear from you, just don’t wait too long — whatever that means…
xoxo
Val
This year’s VALentine’s Day post is devoted to a topic, that while slightly cliche, has been perplexing me nonetheless. It’s a little something I like to call “the spark factor”, and my question to anyone listening, is how long should you date someone before “discarding” them into the no-spark-bin?
I bet if I asked 100 people, I’d get 100 different answers. Or better yet — I’d get twice — or thrice as many because of the dreaded it-depends-scenarios tossed in for good measure. I would surely hear about the the gal who despised the guy at first, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer and months later they’re madly in love. Some might advise to keep dating if there’s even the faintest glimmer of a spark to see if fireworks might eventually develop, while others adhere to the theory that for a relationship to work, sparks must be instantaneous.
At the end of the day, I know myself best and personal experience dictates the magic number lays somewhere between two and four dates. There have been times where I only felt a slight connection on the first date, but after date two or three started to come down with can’t-eat-can’t-sleep-syndrome — otherwise known as really liking someone. Lately, however, I’ve been meeting guys whom I genuinely enjoy spending time with and whom I feel attracted to, but even after the fourth date, I don’t get that aforementioned jittery feeling. What I feel instead is confusion; one part of me thinks it will never work, while the other half is saying, give it a chance or you’ll risk missing out on something potentially great.
We live in an age of FOMO (fear of missing out), and romance is no exception. Conversely, we twenty-somethings lead immensely busy lives, where free time is a precious commodity. Personally, I don’t want to and can’t afford to waste time dating someone I’m just not that into. Like most matters in life, there’s no black and white solution to such conundrums. Still, what I’ve gleaned from recent situations is what works for me is to shut-off my brain and take a step back. As soon as I stopped obsessively thinking about why I wasn’t feeling that thing with the last guy I dated and took a mini-break from seeing him, I started to relax. Once relaxed, I was able to go on our fifth date with a positive attitude and a clear head. That’s when I realized that great as he is, something was amiss. The FOMO feeling had quelled and I had the certainty I desired.
The lesson here is matters of the heart rarely make sense and thinking about them too much makes everything worse and unnecessarily complicated. So how long should you keep dating someone before “discarding” them into the no-spark-bin? No one can answer that for you (sucks, right?), and the only way I can answer it for myself is by following my gut and ceasing all attempts at trying to find answers.
Do you ever think something to yourself that makes you go what the #@!& immediately after? This has been happening to me a lot as of late, and I’m fed up with my self destructive inner-dialogue. For instance, in my romantic life I’ve never been one to favor “the asshole” or the “sort of asshole” over “the nice guy”. However, I’ve actually thought to myself recently, and even said aloud to others: “ugh, is he too nice?” And: “why is he being so nice, what does he want?”. You know you’ve reached a new low when you’re considering turning someone down or questioning them for being too nice. And while I make a point of saying how much I loath game playing as it pertains to dating, lately I find myself wondering if a guy’s desperate if he’s too quick to express interest in me. Despicable. I mean god forbid someone actually likes me, obviously he’s a first-class (“L” on forehead) loser.
Yes, one of the downsides of dating is it can make a cynic out of the best of us, yet I like to think it doesn’t have to. Perhaps I’ve taken one too many affirmation-shouting Inten-Sati classes (at Equinox), where the focus is on empowerment through a more positive inner dialogue. Or maybe it’s the start of a new year and I’ve got my rose tinted glasses on. What I’m trying to express is when such thoughts arise, I’ve got to remind myself that I am worthy of love and good things. In a sense, it’s so much easier to think negatively because then we’re better equipped to deal with disappointments. The reality, however, is we’re much much more likely to find success — in all facets of life, if we believe it is ours to be had. And just think of all the bad energy we’re sending out into the atmosphere?! Still not saying we shouldn’t proceed with caution (there are crazies out there) but you, well, you get it right? Love thyself. Be kind to thyself. Repeat.
xoxo
Val
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| Me in “guru pose” (as my friend Pam called it) on New Year’s eve in Saint. Martin. |
Val's Bits and Bites 