Dating

Words of Wisdom from a 25 year old

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Toasting 25 years of wisdom (yeah right!) at Kingswood 

Twenty-five. The big 2-5. Quarter. Life. Crisis. Any Sex and the City devotee likely recalls the episode where Carrie goes to an Italian restaurant to celebrate her 35th birthday (or maybe it was 34th?) and none of her friends show up. And if the situation wasn’t dire enough – the girl next to her loudly proclaims: “25 – f#&% I’m old”. Ouch. Well today I’m 25, and for some reason, that’s all I seem to want to say right now. Now I know 25 isn’t actually old, especially in today’s world where the notion of age is constantly being redefined. I need not look any further than my 82 year-old grandfather who walks at such a brisk pace, few 25 year-olds (cough, cough) can keep up. Besides, with age comes wisdom, and just like I did last year, I want to share some of what I’ve learned over the last year with you. Having lived in New York City since January, this past year has been quite the whirlwind; I’ve often found myself exclaiming: “I feel like I’ve lived 10 years in the last year”.  I’ve always had a flair for the dramatic, but needless to say – I’ve got lots to share, so let’s get on with it.


1) Two words: emerging adulthood. Yup, that’s the name developmental psychologist Jeffrey Arnett calls the period between ages 18-29 — a period his research shows ought to be recognized as a distinct developmental stage that occurs between adolescence and full-on adulthood. His theory is supported by findings that the area of our brain in charge of planning, prioritizing and controlling impulses isn’t entirely developed until our late twenties. Jackpot. I’ve been reading a lot about Arnett and similar research, most recently in the November issue of ELLE, and I couldn’t agree more. Neither Arnett nor I am saying we should put off growing up and decision making, but given the changing society twenty-somethings live in today (globalization, changes in corporate culture, delaying marriage and having children), there’s nothing wrong with taking this time to explore various lifestyles, career/education paths and relationships. It’s nice to know that science supports — even encourages us to make mistakes and figure things out during these formative years, which is why why we shouldn’t get down on ourselves when we have to stop, re-think and reboot. Can you hear that? It was a sigh of relief.

2) We are all works in progress. Harking back somewhat to my first point, I’m slowly learning results don’t come overnight — they hardly ever come over lots and lots of nights
 — sometimes even years. I’m someone who want to see the fruits of my labors very quickly; I start working out more, well I want to see some definition within weeks, or I start dating and I get discouraged when I don’t meet the man of my dreams on the third try. Well, I’m slowly learning life just doesn’t work that way — it really is a constant fight. When all we think about are results, what we’re really doing is setting ourselves up for disappointment. On the other hand, if we tell ourselves that we’re a constant work in progress and that it’s okay to lose track of our goals, or that we might not get what we want when we want it, we’ll be able to enjoy the journey. The important thing is to keep trying and to not waste time chastising yourself if you fall off the horse, but rather get back on it and charge ahead.

3) Never under-estimate the importance of looking put together. I’m not referring to having your hair blown-out daily — I’m a weekday bun-wearer myself, however, you always feel better and have a happier, more productive day when you take that extra step. That means wearing a touch of makeup, a little jewelry and some nice shoes. Oh, and for gods-sake NO Lululemon’s unless you just worked out or are planning on doing so within 2.5 hours, are nursing an abominable hangover, or if there’s a hurricane approaching. And don’t even get me started on leggings as pants. 

4) You can’t please everyone, so just stop trying. Stop it. Now. I’m the epitome of a people-pleaser, and let me tell you — it’s exhausting.  I mean I have lost sleep worrying about whether I had hurt someone’s feelings, someone who wasn’t even a good friend, only to later learn they had no recollection of the conversation. My mom has always said: “you’re not a $10 bill — not everyone will like you”. Wise words spoken by an even wiser woman. Between dating, working in different offices and socializing,  I find myself interacting with an increasing number of people, and I know if I continue over-analyzing whether my words and/or actions might’ve negatively affected someone, or worse — their view of me —  I’ll look 50 by the time I hit 30.  Now there’s food for thought.

5) When a guy tells you he’s bad at relationships, isn’t a good communicator and doesn’t know what he wants in his life despite being in his thirties — run. Fast. Never look back. I know I’m regurgitating words from a previous post about dating, but it’s something I had to learn the hard way this year, so if I can spare you a lil pain — than all the better. In fact, I’m considering putting these words on T-shirts. Thoughts? 

6) Be flexible. I’m not talking about the yoga-kind of flexibility, even though I think it does wonders for the mind and body, but rather being flexible in life. I’ve never been good at either, but as I get older (gaaaaa), I realize the importance of being able to go with the flow and the need to shake things up from time to time. I’m a stickler for routine, but some of the greatest nights of the past year took place when I abandoned my “plan” and did something unexpected, or that I didn’t necessarily want to do. 

7) Read. Books, newspapers, magazines, blogs — the more the merrier. Reading is exercise for our brains and it’s never too early to start thinking about ways we can stave off the horrible disease that is Alzheimer’s. What’s more, reading makes us smarter, more well-rounded humans — yuppie! It’s also the best way to become a stronger writer and a better conversationalist, plus, it’s enjoyable and a great way to unwind.  I always start my day by reading a couple articles from the New York Times and New York Magazine, while ensuring to check my style blogs (duh). Below are some  books I’ve read and liked recently:

– This is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper
– The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides 
– The Starboard Sea by Amber Dermont
– Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

8) Dating isn’t easy. Throw that notion out the window and enter the dating world helmut in hand because there will be bumps and you will sustain bruises along the way. I promise though, it will be fun too. Another bit of wisdom: go into every date open-minded. To quote my mother: “you may not like him but you might just like his friend…” Life is full of surprises and you literally never know who’s waiting around the corner which is why I think it’s  important to get out there and date — as daunting and painful as it might be. After all, it’s kind of hard to win the lottery if you never bought a ticket in the first place. 

9) Throw out the dating rules. When I first forayed into the Manhattan dating world, I was  so focused on how things “ought” to be according to some arbitrary “rules”  that were ingrained in my head, that I spent an inordinate amount of time obsessing over whether I had done something “wrong”. With time and a little experience, I’ve come to believe that rules are stupid, and that when it’s “right”, no one’s going to care who made the first move or who over-shared on the first-date. If you want to call him — do it! If you’re scared, then maybe that’s all the more reason to do it. I didn’t always think this way, but I’m learnin’.

 10) Listen to your body. Just because your friend can workout six days a week and feel perfectly fine, doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Take cues from your body because it’s always communicating with you. I said this back when I was a young lass at 24: our health is the most important thing we’ve got in this world, so we have to take care of our bodies and our minds. If something doesn’t feel right, stop. There’s nothing wrong with trying again, but take it easy. And always remember to inhale and exhale. I tend to forget so I figured I’d remind y’all. 

And one more for good luck: Don’t knock online dating until you’ve tried it. All you skeptics out there need to step into 2012 and realize it’s not your mama’s dating world anymore. Trust me on this one. Just give it a try. Just one — or two, or three. I’ll shut up now. 

Happy Birthday Me!

xoxox
Val

What better time to try a bold lip than on my birthday?
Nars Lip Lacquer in Hot Wired 
Kisses to y’all! 







Hurts so good: the positive side of pain

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In exercise, the saying is pain is good; but when it comes to matters of the heart, does the adage still apply? I think so. After all, something tells me John Mellencamp wasn’t talking about a particularly grueling workout when he sang “Hurts So Good” back in the 80s. When a relationship ends, as a nearly five month long one did for me recently, one doesn’t always see the positives right away, but believe me — they’re there — somewhere. Pain of any kind, in this case the romantic sort, begets a lot of not so fun things, but it also leads to wisdom. And what good is relationship/dating wisdom if you can’t share it with others – especially the ones who suffer through your ramblings — i.e. blog posts. Trust me when I say I’ve dated extensively since my move to NYC in January; I’m one of those go big or go home kinda gals, so the musings below do have some (not much) grounds for validity.

1. Patience is a virtue, but too much of it and you risk creeping into self-denial and unhappiness territory. Don’t get me wrong, my time with, let’s call him B, was a ton of fun and I learnt A LOT, but when you know something’s not working, it’s best to not wait around and get out before the potential for pain escalates and you have more wisdom than you know what to do with. Catch my drift? Your gut will tell you when enough is enough. I wasn’t sure I even had a gut until it started yelling at me with a megaphone, like I’m sure yours will if it hasn’t done so already.

2. When a guy tells you he’s bad at relationships, isn’t a good communicator and doesn’t know what he wants in his life despite being in his thirties — run. Fast. Never look back.

3.  Don’t be afraid to speak up if something is bothering you. I was so scared to rock the boat and to be the much-maligned needy girl that I waited too long to discuss issues that were upsetting me and taking up an inordinate amount of space in my brain. Yes, you risk hearing things you don’t want to hear, but ignorance can only be blissful for so long. In the end, I was glad I spoke up because I like myself too much to settle for anything less than what I want and believe I deserve to have in a relationship.

4. Be yourself. You can only be someone else for so long before you realize it’s a lose-lose situation for both parties involved. There were times with B when I was trying to seem casual about things I didn’t feel casual about, or feigned interest in subjects I wasn’t interested in because I thought it would make me more likable. This was very uncharacteristic of me and the fact I was doing it, and was aware of my actions made me doubt whether “this” was in fact right for me. It wasn’t. My theory, and many will concur, is that when it’s “right”, you feel at ease being yourself, albeit a slightly more well-groomed version.

5.  When in doubt, date. From the get-go I had my doubts as to whether things with B could ever get past the this-is-way-too-much-fun-to-pass-up stage and morph into something serious, so I kept an open mind about the possibility of dating others simultaneously. I wasn’t on the prowl cougar-style or anything, but I definitely wasn’t putting on my habit either. Not only did such a mind-set keep me from obsessing over every little detail with B (self-destructive) and from coming off as “too available”, it was a way of re-affirming to myself that I’m not willing to settle. What happened was I ended up meeting S,  whom I had a great time with, and while things didn’t work out there either (surprise, surprise), the wonderful way he treated me highlighted some of B’s shortcomings and put certain matters into perspective. Perspective, my friends — is a good thing.

And one more for good luck…

6. Men are stupid. They are also fun. Like many of us modern-day women, we don’t need ’em, we just want ’em. One of the reasons why is listed above, the others, well, there are many and we all have our own. The point I’m trying to make is as hard and daunting as dating and relationships can be (excruciating at times), it’s a ride that’s worth it and one we should enjoy. Pain has a positive side; pain  makes us wise, and wisdom — is priceless. Bottom line: never, ever give up. Never.

Not having it together; not falling apart

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In one of the final scene’s of Bride Wars, a teary eyed Kate Hudson turns to a teary eyed Anna Hathaway post major cat fight and declares: “I’ve realized I don’t have to have it together all the time and it feels very liberating”.  That may or may not be verbatim; I was only watching this abhorrent film because it was on the jumbo screen at my nail salon, but you get the gist right? I realize that chick flicks, particularly those starring Kate Hudson aren’t exactly beacons of wisdom, yet I heard the aforementioned words at just the right time, and yes, a minor eureka moment ensued.

You see, lately I’ve been having minor freak-outs spurred by several reasons, most of which have to do with all the uncertainties in my life. I’m fortunate enough to be studying fashion marketing at one of the top fashion school’s in the world, yet I still don’t know what part of the industry I want to work in. It seems the more internships I do, the more confused I become. One day I want to write, the next day I can’t fathom the thought of writing for a living and want to pursue a more business-oriented career. Basically, I’m confused. I feel the pressure mounting, and the words: “you’ve been given this incredible opportunity, you’ve got to make the most of it or you’ll be a giant failure”, keep ringing in my head. Sometimes, these thoughts are so loud, not even some intense cardio-kickboxing can silence them. What’s more, the fact I’m a Canadian citizen competing for limited fashion jobs with Americans makes things a tad more complex. America, what did we ever do to you? I mean, we’re soooo nice. On top of that, my personal life is also up in the air, and dating in New York can be, well, tricky to say the least. Will I meet my soulmate? Will I have kids? Will I get my dream job, or any job for that matter in New York (where I want to be)? I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T KNOW, I DO NOT KNOW.

Now do you understand why hearing Kate Hudson’s words hit me so hard? I don’t have it “together”, but maybe if I come to terms with it and accept it, I’ll feel “liberated”? Perhaps if I embrace the uncertainties – give ’em a big ol’ hug and kiss – the panic will subside? Maybe if I stand in front of the mirror and say: “I don’t have the answers and that’s okay”, I’ll feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and I’ll be able to focus on doing my best in the present moment. My former yoga teacher Joanna Nowa, always said: “If you take care of this moment, you’ve taken care of every moment that’s to follow”. How simple and brilliant? With the help of yoga, Hudson and my wise parents and friends whom I call during moments of anxiety, I’m slowly starting to realize that life isn’t necessarily about having it together all the time or reaching certain goals or hitting specific milestones – it’s about the little moments that make up everyday. Happiness doesn’t come from having the answers, it’s about doing little things daily that may or may not lead us to them. Life is but a giant question mark right now, however, if I learn to love the unknown, I can focus more on the present (like savoring this cappuccino in front of me), and then, if and when I arrive at my destination (if there even is one), I’ll be able to enjoy it that much more. I don’t have it together, but it doesn’t mean I’m falling apart either.

DON’T stop and think.

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The other day my friend and I were running around what felt like all of Manhattan (okay it might’ve just been in and around Union Square and Greenwich Village), trying to put our fashion design project together. Our perilous journey towards mediocrity (sorry P), led us through many a campus computer lab, Staples (three times), three restaurants (what, we’ve gotta eat!), Zara (for inspiration), and several other destinations I won’t bore you with. The point of this is wherever we went that day, it seemed all any female over the age of eighteen was talking about was MEN. An earth shattering revelation, I know. But here’s the thing, any discussion I managed to overhear was focused only around the guy. “why do you think he did that?”, and “can you believe he said this”, and “why is he not calling?”, and “when will he finally get his act together?” etc.  Basically, it was all he, he, he.

Listening to these women it hit me that I too am guilty of wasting precious time trying to analyze what the guy is thinking and attempting to interpret his actions rather than thinking about my reactions and feelings toward the situation. Self destructive much? What I’m trying to say is the more time we spend trying to figure out men, the less time we focus on what we want and what makes us truly happy. And c’mon, like we’re ever going to figure ’em out anyways. Ladies, are you with me?

However, once we figure out what it is we really want and how we feel about what’s happening, we’ve also got to take two steps back and realize that men often communicate and act differently from us in similar situations. We’ve got to be a little patient and understanding because that’s what relationships of any kind, platonic or romantic are build upon. My whole shtik is we’ve got to stop trying to “get” men and why they do what they do. Instead, we should focus on whether we’re happy, while somehow managing to meet them at least 1/3 of the way, and spending more energy focusing on enjoying the process. Now don’t think I’ve got the answers to how exactly we can enjoy ourselves as opposed to tormenting ourselves, but I’m working on it and when I find the answers — you’ll know where to look.

xoxo
-Val

When it’s good to be a bad listener

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As you guys have probably figured out by now, my life is pretty much an open blog. I love to share my favorite restaurants, shops, stories, insights, jokes, and the like with my family, friends, hairdresser, doorman and well, you get the idea. That said, my love life is no exception. In fact, if there’s one part of my life I especially LOVE to share, it’s my dating dilemmas. I’ll ask anyone who’ll listen what they think of a somewhat cryptic text message or what their opinion is on splitting the bill, sex on the first? third? tenth? date, what not to say on a first date, when’s the right time to break out the sweats, etc.

I’m not exactly sure why I do this. It could be the journalist in me and my natural propensity for sharing news, knowledge and ideas, it could be a manifestation of my insecurities when it comes to romance and relationships, or it might be a consequence of my unwavering need to understand how life and love “works”. Likely, it’s a combination of all the above. The problem is, when it comes to one’s love life, over-sharing and asking for too many people’s opinions can become overwhelming and downright confusing. It can also blur the line between actions you’re doing because it’s what feels right to you, and actions you’re doing because it’s what you think you ought to be doing because your best friend’s friend’s cousin said so, and obviously she knows what she’s talkin’ about because she has a successful marriage. Right? WRONG!

What I’ve learned is if there’s anytime where you have to be truly, madly, deeply yourself is if you want to foster a meaningful connection with someone. After all, how would you feel if the person they fell in love or like with was an amalgamation of people you created based on your trainer’s/ sister’s/ cousin’s/ friend’s/ butcher’s opinion? The real you is bound to come up eventually because that’s just how it goes and then things can get kind of tricky and icky.

So my goal from now on is to me more judicious in my sharing, and to find a way to tell people who are close to me about my life and love life without always asking for their opinions. And, when people offer unsolicited advice, which let’s face it, people tend to do A LOT, I’ll have to figure out a way to listen without internalizing advice to the point where I let it dictate my actions. If I happen to agree, it’s a whole other story, but then I’ll still be doing something because it’s what feels right to ME. Bottom line: we (and when I say “we” I mostly mean “me” because heck, who am I to tell you what to do and how to think), need to remember that no one knows us better than we know ourselves and we are the only ones who know the entirety of a situation, so we’ve got to trust our gut and do as we see fit. Life and love can be terrifying, but there’s no other option except to grab the bull by its horns and go along for the ride –  in our own special way.

To pursue or to be pursued, that is the question

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New York is a city of firsts, and I my friends am no exception. A little over a week ago I took the plunge and decided to be the first to initiate contact after a first date. I’ve never done this because a) the film He’s Just Not That Into You and the philosophy behind it pretty much sums up my dating code of ethics, and b) I suppose I’m a little old fashioned. Let’s back track a bit so I can tell you how I got myself into such a predicament.

So I met this guy on Jdate (everyone does it here), we exchanged a couple semi-flirtatious emails and a date was arranged. Allow me to preface by saying the weekend before this date, my good friend had had a horrible online dating experience (the kind you read about in Cosmo that makes you think your freaky dates were humdrum), and that prior to leaving the house for this date, my parents gave me the don’t go home with strangers spiel. Thanks mom. Anyways, I’m on this date and it’s going well. He’s good looking, successful and funny, albeit at points in an obnoxious way. No, I have no interest in riding his motorcycle or learning salsa, but it’s not like every guy I’m meeting is the man I’m going to marry. Right? Finally, the dreaded lull in conversation occurs. That’s when I blurt out: “so, is your place near here”? As soon as the words left my mouth I knew I had uttered a first date no no (well at least from a girl’s perspective). The fact was I knew he lived in the neighborhood from our exchanges, however, I didn’t have to get all awkward and start babbling away about how I was just making conversation and that I didn’t mean it like that. He didn’t seem to think it was so weird and politely offered to show me his place a mere two blocks away. What a gentleman.

After leaving the restaurant, he takes the opportunity to conveniently point out, in the event I’d forgotten, that his place is so close if I’m interested in seeing it. Instead of being cool Val, I become even more awkward and start muttering no over and over again in a manner slightly resembling turrets. Needless to say, it wasn’t my finest hour. I then announce I’m going to take a cab home, and that’s when he leans in and kisses me. I was SO not expecting it and unsurprisingly, I was awkward yet again. I’m on a roll. The kiss was good, a little too much tongue (haven’t guys gotten the memo?) but I leave feeling confused.

Three days go by and I don’t hear from him. Hmm… Is it because he expected me to come up all along and decided I wasn’t worth anymore effort? In truth, I didn’t get those vibes from him but then again, what do I know. Of course my friends have a logical explanation: based on my behavior, he probably has no idea I’m interested, in fact, he probably thinks I’m really NOT interested. Duh, I should totally message him. I’d never thought of it like this, but I think maybe they’ve got a point. I have been told by men who liked me in the past that they thought I hated them. Apparently, I’m a terrible flirt. Great. But, then I think back to all those dates where I was clearly not interested in the guys and where I thought it was so obvious, yet they STILL called. Masochists? There’s that line from He’s Just Not That Into You ringing in my ears: “If I guy wants to see you, he’ll see you”. Screw you Justin Long.

Alright, I’m in New York, it’s a new year, why not message him. So three days after our date, I send him a text. It takes him over twelve hours to respond and by this point it’s past midnight. My friends, I think we’ve just entered booty call territory, how about you? And all this from the guy who wanted me to come up, interesting… Not that most guys aren’t like that, but I transgress. Anyways, the timing of his response doesn’t make me feel good, au contraire — it makes me feel pretty shitty. Not only do I now not feel wanted, but I’ve boosted his ego by indicating I’m still interested. But what was I expecting, if he really wanted to see me, wouldn’t he have messaged me? Damn it, why did I have to try new things?!

I know this is one situation, but maybe I’m just not the pursuer type. Does that put me on par with a suburban housewife from the 1950’s? Should I continue messaging guys who don’t message me? Maybe next time I won’t get a booty call type response? Should I stick to my beliefs? I’ve always thought of myself as a modern woman, but maybe not in this domain? My smart, sexy and worldly bff tells me  guys’ egos need stroking just as much as girls’ and it doesn’t matter who pursues who because it’s 2012! She’s got a point, yet maybe I’m not interested in a guy whose ego needs stroking? Call me selfish, but I want all the ego stroking to be directed at me, at minimum at the start. Should I just shut-up and get out my apron and whip up some meatloaf? This is not an easy question and my friend posed an excellent question: at what point in the dating timeline does the playing field even out and do I think it’s “okay” for the girl to initiate contact for say a third or fourth date? I replied by saying that it’s usually clear when that point is and there’s no set moment, it just boils down to a feeling.

So what do you beautiful people think about girls “pursuing” guys? Does it depend on the circumstances? I think sometimes it really does, or is it always a “no”, or always a “yes”? I didn’t feel good after my experience, but than again, maybe if his response had been different, I’d be out with him again and not sitting here blogging.

Taking the Val out of Valentine’s Day: 1 girl’s adventures in NYC dating (or lack thereof)

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I have this fantasy where I’m sitting at a restaurant enjoying a lovely meal with family and/or friends and at the end of said meal, a handsome stranger walks up to me and tells me he has been unable to keep his eyes off me from the instant I entered the restaurant and he needs to see me again. The physical chemistry between us is instantaneous; my cheeks turn beet red, I smile, he smiles, and voila – I am swept off my feet by the man who will become my husband. Last Saturday, my fantasy came true, well the first part at least…

After all, if everything went according to plan, I wouldn’t be sitting here on Valentine’s eve eating chocolate cheesecake from City Bakery (amazing by the way), and sharing my love life with you people. So here’s what went down: handsome guy celebrating his birthday with a bunch of buddies comes up to me and tells me he finds me very attractive and has been trying to make eye contact with me all evening. We banter for a bit, I smile, he smiles, and he proceeds to get my number. Then, unlike many pickups prior, he asks me to schedule our next meeting right then and there. The only day we can agree on is Tuesday – aka Valentine’s Day. He makes a joke about how he won’t do anything V-day related and I laugh saying it isn’t a particularly Jewish holiday anyways. We laugh some more, stare into each other’s eyes some more and he tells me he can’t wait till Tuesday. Did I mention this guy is fineeeeeee??! He tells me to come out with his friends, but I decide to make him wait till Tuesday. Turns out I’m the one waiting.

After texting him Monday night to ask if we’re still on or if it was a figment of my drunken imagination, he replies: “Hi! Holy shit. I’m sorry. I’m really not an ass. I’ve been sick since Sunday. Saturday night I got home at 6 a.m. Been out of it since and just didn’t remember. Raincheck? It wasn’t the alcohol. It was the after effect:(“. Seriously? You just turned 31 and you can’t recover from a hangover in three days? Needless to say, the date has yet to be rescheduled.

So why am I telling you this? Mainly because writing is therapeutic and I’d rather use my blog as an outlet for my venting than say, a metal pole or a certain guy’s head. Maybe on a certain level I’m hoping to gain some insight into the opposite sex, or perhaps into myself? Yes, I knew this guy was drunk, so was I mind you, but we really did spend a large chunk of the evening having very coherent conversations and my friends can attest to that. The point is I was really excited because I rarely feel such an immediate connection and because as cynical as I may be at times, I’m still a really positive person underneath who believes in true love (most days). Plus, this guy had totally acted out my meet-cute fantasy and did I mention he was fineeeeeeee??!

After some pondering (okay, way too much pondering), I have arrived at the conclusion that the reason this date isn’t happening has nothing to do with me. The guy barely knows me so it’s not like he discovered some flaw in my personality. I also doubt it was a beer-goggles type scenario. I mean c’mon, I was wearing my one sexy outfit and five inch heels! And plus, I did actually see him looking at me all night… There are a million reasons why this date will never be. For instance, he could’ve recently broken up with a girlfriend, he could currently have a girlfriend (eww), or maybe he didn’t like me as much as he let on and just didn’t feel like going on a date. He could also be an escaped convict who was caught and escorted back to prison and they simply forgot to confiscate his cell phone. Really, you don’t agree?

When I recounted the story to my male friend, he asked me a wise question, one that I’m still pondering over. His theory is that if a guy is confident enough to walk over to a girl and tell them how attractive they find them right off the bat, it’s highly likely that guy has lots of experience doing that sort of thing and could I really see myself with a guy like that? Good point. Well, confidence is always attractive, but hitting on tons of girls and having the ego that goes with that isn’t. I guess most of us want someone who is confident with women and in other areas of life, but not to the point of cockiness, or sluttiness for that matter. Like with everything else, it’s all about that elusive balance. Sigh.

Regardless, I have no idea if this was the case with restaurant hottie, but it might just be he hits on girls for sport and once he had “conquered” me, he lost all interest. He could’ve wanted to sleep with me that very night, although that leaves me wondering why he was so persistent about scheduling a future meeting time and significantly less persistent about meeting up later that night. Anyways, it really doesn’t matter because it’s over and done with and if I’m going to continue attempting to date in the crazy city that is NYC, I have to learn to move on and not overanalyze, especially situations I’ll never have answers to. I’m working on it, okay? Next post, I’ll tell you about my foray into online dating. Let’s just say they don’t call it Zoo York for nothing…

p.s. if anyone cares to offer any insight into my “situation” please do share!

Bits of wisdom from a 24 year-old

~ valsbitsandbites ~ 3 Comments

I am 24 years old today. Today, I am 24 years old. Hmm, maybe if I keep saying it I’ll start to believe it. Doubtful. Anyways, I have two choices: I can cry and wallow in self pity as I think of all the things I have yet to accomplish, or I can eat cake (from Cocoa Locale no less), and share some of the wisdom I’ve gained during my time on this planet. You’ve probably heard some, or most of it before, but in the event that you haven’t, perhaps I can spare you some of the mistakes I’ve made while helping to enrich your lives (I can’t believe I just wrote that). Be forewarned, there will be plenty of cheesiness so grab your barf bag in advance. Here we go…

1. Don’t skimp on quality shoes or a good haircut. Both can make or break a woman and you don’t want to be a broken woman now do you? Come to think of it, the same applies for men too.

2. Listen to your parents and older siblings as they might actually know a thing or two about life considering they’ve been alive longer. Try to learn from their mistakes and achievements and make an effort (if/when possible) to foster bonds with them and other members of your family. At the end of the day, family is the MOST important thing.

3. It’s better to have a few great friends than a lot of so-so friends. If you find your so-so friends aren’t adding anything to your life and are actually keeping you from building stronger relationships with the friends who are always there for you (well almost always, nobody’s perfect), then bid them adieu. Remember, it’s about quality and not quantity.

4.  Don’t go to an esthetician, masseuse, or any service professional for that matter without a referral or some thorough research. The last thing you want is to end up with a toe fungus and one pant-leg shorter than the other.

5. Don’t squeeze pimples! If you want to know how to properly pop a pimple, watch this video from Dr. Oz.
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Dr-Oz-Demonstrates-How-to-Properly-Pop-a-Pimple-Video 

6. Admitting you need help and asking for it isn’t a sign of weakness – quite the opposite actually. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to lean on your loved ones during hard times and/or to seek professional help. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE goes through rough times and if people aren’t willing to be there for you when you’re not at your best – to hell with them.

7. Comparing yourself to others is a recipe for disaster. For example: “everyone has a boyfriend and I don’t”. First of all, that’s factually incorrect, second of all, it only exacerbates the problem. In grade one I learnt that everyone is different, not better or worse, just different, and today it’s something I have to remind myself of regularly. Besides, I whole heartedly believe everything happens for a reason. Wishful thinking?

8. No matter the situation, always be yourself. One of the best compliments I’ve ever received was when a good friend said to me: “no matter what, you’re always Val”. When I thought about it I realized it’s true, and I felt proud to not have changed who I am so that others would like me more. I don’t like myself all the time – not even close, but push comes to shove I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I simply wouldn’t know how to. I never was that good of an actress.

9.  Happy people are attractive people. Smile. If you have to fake it till you make it, that’s okay too.

10. Your body is the most important thing you have, so treat it as such. Don’t eat processed crap and eat organic and local food when possible. Be sure to incorporate plenty of fruits and vegetables and drink copious amounts of water. And exercise! Try different fitness classes, sports, trainers etc. to figure out what you like and then just do it. Shake things up from time to time. Don’t feel guilty about sometimes canceling plans because you have to exercise, taking care of our bodies and in turn our minds is the best thing we can do for ourselves. This also means getting enough sleep, and finding ways to cope with our stress and anxiety. Oh, and floss for God’s sake!

And one more for good luck: Stop obsessing over what others think of you; most of the time they’re too busy thinking about their own lives. I mean that in the best way possible.