In my experience, being a mom isn’t really something you can prepare for. And while you can have all the advice in the world — you have to make your own mistakes too. I knew what not to do and yet I still did some of it. Why? Because it felt right at the time. Honestly, some of those early months are a bit of a blur. Hello, hormones and sleep deprivation. That said, I want to share some of the most important lessons I’ve learned over these last 15 months because maybe, just maybe, you’ll take some of my advice to heart. Or, or, you’ve been in the same boat and will feel comforted knowing at least one other person has been there too and gets it. So, without further ado…
Don’t be a hero. I believed if my job title was stay at home mom, well, I had to be really damn good at it. And for some inexplicable reason, that meant I had to do almost everything myself. I’m someone who craves control and can be a bit of a perfectionist, and so during Levi’s first year it was hard for me to trust others with his care. I also felt a strong need to prove myself as a mother, and as a result I didn’t hire enough help to begin with. What’s more, I turned down many offers for free (yes, free) help from willing family members.
This was wrong, SO wrong. The saying it takes a village to raise a child is just as true in our fast paced modern society as it was back when the term was coined (anyone know when that was)? We are not meant to do this alone. I repeat: we are not meant to do this alone, and we need all the support we can get. I actually felt guilty, that’s right— guilty leaving Levi with others in order to take some much needed time for myself. Well, playing the martyr eventually got old and led me to feel resentful and burnt out. I also think it’s one of the many reasons I ended up struggling with postpartum anxiety and, later, depression. So please don’t feel bad for getting help if you can afford it, and for the love of god don’t turn down free offers of help so you can practice self care (or at least accept most of them)!!! Others may not follow your baby’s routine as well as you’d like, but you deserve the break, and chances are your child will be just fine. This brings me to my second point…
It’s okay to break the rules sometimes. I love routine. A lot. I do better with structure, and I’m a firm believer kids benefit from rules and routine as well. That said, I’ll be the first to admit I became too obsessed with maintaining Levi’s sleep schedule during his first year. I mean I would literally stress out if he missed his nap or bedtime by more than ten minutes.
In addition to wanting Levi to get the rest he needed (and let’s be honest — I needed too), I desperately wanted to have a sense of control over both our schedules. My well intentioned desire to have him go to sleep on time and in his crib caused me to turn down many plans and outings. Unfortunately, my actions left me feeling more anxious and isolated than ever before and ultimately contributed to my PPD and anxiety.
Experience has taught me nothing bad will happen to either one of us if Levi goes to bed later once in a while. Even sleep experts will tell you well rested children can tolerate missed naps or later bedtimes every so often. In fact, it’s a normal part of life to make exceptions. But because of my postpartum anxiety, something so obvious just wasn’t clear to me at the time. Thank goodness I sought help. Not being afraid to break the rules here and there has made motherhood so much more enjoyable and I’m deeply grateful I was able to get there.
Val's Bits and Bites 