wellness

The ex-factor: how much do we really need to know about our partner’s romantic past?

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Couples who nerd around together, stay together.

In the early stages of dating, the ex conversation will inevitably come up. For some, it’s a chance to get to know the other individual on a deeper level, while for others the experience is akin to ripping off a band-aid. In short, they want to know in as few words as possible if there are any restraining orders, divorces or deaths they have to be privy to. Spare the extra details please.

My boyfriend falls into the latter category, meaning my knowledge of his ex girlfriend can be summarized in one neat sentence. And I’m only talking about his most recent ex — I literally have no intel on his love life prior to that point. Similarly, he never wanted to know anything beyond the bare essentials about my romantic history.

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Home sweet home? Pondering life in NYC versus Miami

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The famed Russ & Daughters now has a cafe. The latkes and lox are to die for.

If you recall, not too long ago I wrote a post declaring my unwavering love for New York City. At the time, I had been living in Miami for around six months, and I couldn’t wait to return to Manhattan for the summer. Yes, I missed the city.

During the two years I spent living in NYC, I thought the city could do no wrong. It was perfect. Smells? What smells? Overcrowded? Nah, it’s energetic! I was so happy to finally be immersed in the fashion industry and living in my dream city that I only saw the positives.

Come to think of it, I had exactly the right attitude, but unfortunately I didn’t bring that attitude along with me when I moved to Miami. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be there, but I spent my first month or so thinking about all the ways Miami wasn’t Manhattan rather than embracing its differences. While I adapted quickly to the idyllic “winter” climate and the beautiful beaches, I resisted having to drive everywhere and quickly became overwhelmed by the task of setting up a new apartment and routine.

Transitions and changes have always been challenging for me, and leaving a comfortable NYC lifestyle I had worked so hard to create was tough. At 26 years-old, I know myself well enough to understand I require routine in order to feel peaceful and happy.

In any case, it wasn’t long before I got myself on a schedule in Miami and grew to truly appreciate the luxuries of living down south. Funny how humans adapt to new situations, isn’t it? My regret is that I didn’t let myself enjoy the new chapter in my life from the get go and that I didn’t have the right mindset initially. You live you learn, right?

As I write this, it’s been a little over three weeks since my boyfriend and I have been living across from Bryant Park in Manhattan. And guess what? Yup, I miss Miami. During my first week, I couldn’t stop talking about all the ways New York City didn’t measure up to the Magic City. Now, for the first time in my life I actually get it when people say they wouldn’t want to live in the Big Apple, whereas before I just assumed there had to be something a little off about them.

What do you mean I have to walk in the sweltering heat with my groceries? Why are sweaty people bumping into me? Where’s my air conditioned car? My ocean view? Funny how humans repeat the same mistakes over and over again, isn’t it?

Well, maybe I’ve learned a little something because I was able to catch myself before I got too far down my path of comparisons and homesickness. This time it was also clear what I needed to do: I had to create a new NYC routine to help me enjoy all that this unique and wonderful city has to offer. 
So, slowly that’s what I’m attempting to do. Meanwhile, the experience of leaving Manhattan for Miami, only to return half a year later has taught me that nowhere I live is going to be 100 percent perfect. Some places might be better than others, sure, but if you have the right people around you and the will to succeed wherever you are — anywhere can feel like home.

xoxo

Val 

The case for leaning back: hey, it’s OK too

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Because girl power means supporting each other’s choices. 

A huge part of being a writer is reading. A lot. That said, whenever I come across material that resonates with me and which I’d like to add to, I can’t help but share it on my blog. Today’s post draws upon an article by, of all people, actress Zosia Mamet (aka Shoshana on HBO’s Girls).

In her Glamour magazine piece called “No, I Won’t Lean In, Thanks,” Mamet wonders whether our success obsessed culture is alienating women who don’t wish to “go for the f-king gold.” She poignantly writes, “you can’t just jog; you have to run a triathlon. Having a cup of coffee, reading the paper, and heading to work isn’t enough – that’s settling, that’s giving in, that’s letting them win.”

Mamet’s point is that women have to define success based on what makes them happy, minus the external pressures. The ultimate hope is that women will be supportive of each other’s choices rather than being judgmental of anyone they perceive to be so-called “settling.”

For instance, Mamet gives the example of how if she were to open a small coffee shop, it’s likely her female friends wouldn’t consider her a success if it didn’t go on to reach the scale of Magnolia Bakery. But what they might not realize is that she purposefully wants to keep it small so as to enjoy a quiet and simple life, and so she can be more hands on.

I remember at one point during journalism school I was interning at a prestigious fashion magazine and my dad told me that despite being at the bottom now, I would go on to be the next Anna Wintour. While I liked the encouragement, I felt a pang in my stomach as I wondered whether there was something wrong with me because I knew at 22 I absolutely didn’t want to be at the helm of a major publication.

Did I lack ambition? Did I not have sufficient confidence in my abilities? I weighed the possibilities, but the reality was I wanted the kind of journalism job where I would still have ample time for my family and myself. I wasn’t in a relationship at the time, but even then I knew that to be happy, my personal life would always have to come before my career.

That’s why when my boyfriend made a strong case for me to leave New York and move to Miami, I knew I had to at least give it a try. Soon after relocating, I found a great gig as a food writer for a popular local newspaper, but it ended when it turned out the company was unable to sponsor me for a work visa.

Right now, I’m unemployed as I wait to hear whether I’ll get a work visa as a technical writer at a company that sells chemicals. It’s by no means my dream job. Far from it. However, I took it because time was running out on my stay in the US, and because I’ve made the choice to put my personal relationship first. 

Though there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that it was the right decision given the circumstances, I was terribly anxious about what my friends would think when I told them about my on hold career plans. In a time of leaning in, I was leaning far back, and I feared how I’d be perceived.

Well, I now officially know I have the greatest friends in the world because they were nothing but supportive when I told them. I think on some level everyone understands that you can’t have it all, and more importantly: that happiness means different things to different people. To my dear friends: thank you, and to all the women out there: please support each other.

xoxo

Val

The weight game: why the non-diet diet works (for me at least)

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You’re not the boss of me chunky monkey dessert at Pubbelly. 

Every once in a while I read something that perfectly encapsulates my own experience. Most recently it was a New York Magazine article by Melissa Dahl called, “A Non-Diet Diet: The Case for Eating Whatever You Want.”

The gist of the piece is that evidence is increasingly showing that elimination based diets yield only short term results, and that eating what you want when you want it is the key to reaching your ideal weight. The official term for this approach is intuitive eating, and it’s rooted in the notion that our body inherently knows what it needs. The trick is knowing how to listen to it. 
This means the following: 1) eating slowly and taking time to evaluate how full you feel. 2) Avoiding eating for any reason other than physical hunger, i.e., sadness, stress, boredom, happiness etc.  And my favorite, 3) allowing yourself to eat anything you desire.

Peoples’ initial response to such an approach is fear they’ll end up eating junk food all the time, but the reality is quite the opposite. The idea behind intuitive eating is that because you’re paying attention to how food makes you feel, you simply won’t want to eat crap all the time. Furthermore, since there’s no such thing as forbidden food, you won’t be drawn to it in the same way.

If you recall, in late 2012 I wrote about how for the first time in my life I had taken to emotional eating (boredom at work mostly), and no matter what I tried I couldn’t lose the weight and fit into my pants. The post was my way of admitting my behaviour to myself and resolving to be more conscious.

The problem was that despite getting better at eating only when I was hungry,  I had taken to cutting out a lot of foods from my diet. Suddenly, all I could think about was dessert and pasta. It followed that every time I let myself indulge in such “treats,” I never felt satisfied and kept wanting to have more. Dahl’s article cites research that shows when parents implement very strict eating rules, their kids eat more of off-limit snacks when they’re able to get ahold of them.

In any case, my weight didn’t go down and I hated thinking about what I was and wasn’t eating so much.  Then came my second post on the subject, where I declared I was just going to accept my body as it is and I was no longer going to think about losing the weight. It’s a tough concept to fully grasp, but what we think and tell ourselves becomes our reality.

It followed that right around this time I met my now boyfriend, and I was so happy and preoccupied with other thoughts that not thinking about my weight was surprisingly simple. We were also dining out ALL the time, and hell no was I going to turn down a little dessert!

And then just like that — without thinking about it — I lost the weight. And I haven’t put it back on. I also workout less. It’s fascinating to me that by not denying myself of dessert and the like, I actually want it less, and I’m satisfied after just a few bites. Weird as it might sound, intuitive eating worked (and works) for me, and who would’ve thought it could be so easy.

Disclosure: I’m not by any means an expert on this subject matter, I’m simply discussing an article that resonated with me and my own experience. By sharing this with you my only hope is that it might be helpful in some way.

xoxo

Val 

Fighting the good fight: or how I’m trying to get it right

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“Don’t get mad — get everything” – Ivanna Trump, The First Wives Club 

Countless articles and books have been published on the subject of how to fight “well,” i.e., productively in a relationship. I’ve read all of them. Ok fine, I’ve read A LOT of them, and yet I still fight like a little girl. If it was socially acceptable, I’d stomp my feet, shake my fists and scream: “me,” “me,” “me” while turning a deep shade of crimson.

Rarely do I even bother trying to look at the situation from my boyfriend’s perspective. No, I get so blindsided by my emotions (anger, fear, sadness, jealousy etc), that my ability to think rationally vanishes. I try to express my feelings to my SO, yet I’m unable to string together coherent thoughts because naturally, I’m sobbing profusely. My one and only goal becomes to convey my current emotional state; I might as well be shouting: me,” “me,” “me”.

When one fights this way, the other person reacts not with sincere apologies and affectionate embraces (the preferred, yet unrealistic response) but rather with a line of defence. That’s because it’s in many peoples’ natures to respond to such an attack with a similar tone of aggression, and to argue their point. Of course, such a reaction infuriates me further and causes me to go on the defensive. And so the circle of fighting continues until both parties are too exhausted to carry on arguing.

At the end, the issue isn’t resolved, everyone’s upset, and I feel disgusted, embarrased and sad about how I handled the situation. Suddenly, the fight’s aftermath is exceedingly worse than the very thing that was being fought over. Wonderful.

I don’t start fights often, it’s just not my thing, but fighting is an inevitable part of any healthy relationship. That said, I knew I needed to change my approach, and so rather than buy a book or read an article, I turned to my parents for advice. They’re incredibly wise and have been happily married for nearly forty years, so I assumed they’d have some thoughts on the topic.

Almost immediately, good ol’ dad said my main problem was making a trajedy out of every disappointment, disagreement and issue that bothered me. It wasn’t until he said it that it occurred to me I was indeed blowing everything WAY out of proportion. Somehow,  I was convincing myself that a matter that could easily be resolved with good communication and effort was actually going to lead to the end of my relationship — and to the end of the world. Clearly, I can be quite dramatic.

The thing I’ve learned is most relationship problems can be solved provided both players are willing to do the leg work. However, the same cannot be said if one person (hello) is trying to express themselves via freaking out and lashing out at the other without giving any thought to the big picture or their SO’s point of view. No one likes to feel attacked, and individuals respond way better to calm people rather than hysterical ones (pleased to meet you).

After my epiphany of sorts, I’ve resolved to think things through and stay calm before and during a fight. I’m trying to reserve going into tragedy mode for actual tragedies (read: sickness, death, danger etc.). I will not, as ABBA so aptly put it,  “go wasting my emotion(s),” on that which is in my power to solve. Now can I get an amen?

Beauty on the brain part 1: a 20-something ponders wrinkles

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Kiehl’s Super Fluid UV Defense SPF 50+ is light and doesn’t give me breakouts. 

I’m well aware I’m only 26-years-old, but lately I’ve managed to add something to my compendium of fears: aging. More specifically — and superficially, I’m referring to the aesthetic aspects associated with getting older, i.e., wrinkles, dark spots, sagging, etc.

Ever since moving to Miami, the harmful effects of getting too much sun exposure has been on my mind like never before. Just recently I read an article on Refinery 29, where Dr. Craig Kraffert, a board certified dermatologist said, “sun exposure is the main cause of aging of the skin — it isn’t age.”

In a way this is reassuring, because if you’re 20-something you have most of the tools at your disposal  to ward off visible signs of aging: wearing broad spectrum SPF daily and limiting time spent in the sun. Easy, right? Incidentally, however, the more I load up on the block, the more it makes me think about the very thing I’m trying to prevent. Next thing I know I’m buying a dark spot diminishing serum and checking for wrinkles.

What’s more, it doesn’t help that Miami, more so than Montreal or Manhattan it seems, is a youth obsessed city. I don’t have statistics to back this up, but I would dare to say that after tourism, plastic surgery is the second largest industry here. And whereas in NYC women generally gravitate towards more “natural” looking cosmetic procedures — in Miami I’ve seen some faces that couldn’t possibly exist in nature. I’m not talking about Botox here, but the real McCoy my friends.

If anything, seeing some of these frightening ladies — and gents — turns me completely off plastic surgery, but the mere fact they felt the need to do this to themselves makes me utterly horrified re aging. It didn’t help that when I pointed out some exaggerated examples of cosmetic work to my boyfriend, his response was: “maybe they look better like this than if they didn’t do anything.”

I don’t know, but I believe that a wrinkly face still looks better, not to mention more elegant than one that bears a permanent expression of shock and that’s so obviously been nipped and tucked every which way. Reminding myself of this comforts me to a degree. So does thinking about women who look beautiful because they’re embracing aging naturally and are living life to the fullest.

No one is a more fitting example than my own mother. Her approach to beauty and aging has always been less is more, and her minimalist grooming routine never ceases to impress me. I pray I got her good genetics, and more importantly — her positive attitude. In the meantime, I’m slathering on the SPF and focusing on not thinking about the “A” word.

Words of wisdom from a 26-year-old

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Doling out wisdom from my high horse 


Twenty-six. I’m officially closer to 30 than I am to 20, but you know what? I’m A-ok with that. Why you ask? Well firstly, I eat a lot of “superfoods,” so really, I’m actually getting younger by the day, perhaps even by the minute. Secondly, 25 was better than 24, therefore basic math dictates 26 has to eclipse 25, right? Right? And last but certainly not least, with each year that goes by, I continue to amass more wisdom, meaning it’s only a matter of time before I’ll reach Dalai Lama status, and what more could one want out of life than that?

Though I am not quite on the level as His Holiness, yet, I love using my birthday as an excuse to get on my high-horse share some of the knowledge and insights I’ve gleaned over the past year. So now, without further ado, here are some words of wisdom from a 26-year-old (FYI: that’s me!).

“Ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country.“ In case you’re wondering, the answer is no, I did not come up with this quote, it’s actually from J.F.K’s inaugural address. Basically, over the last year, with the help of inten-sati classes (the affirmation shouting mind- body workout), I’ve realized how often I play the victim card. I’m constantly getting upset over something someone did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say, and I get so wrapped up in placing blame on others that I forget to stop and think about what I can do to affect the situation.

This can mean a seemingly trivial gesture as smiling at the rude coffee shop cashier, or something bigger like calling up your best friend to see how she’s doing instead of fretting over why she hasn’t bothered to ring you. Since we can only truly control ourselves, why not make like Gandhi, and “be the change [we] wish to see in the world.” Trust me, you’ll never feel badly about doing something good for others. 

The grass is always greener on the other side, and the sooner we can accept that, and move forward, the better off we’ll be. When I was working full-time, all I could think about was how I have no time to get anything done and how annoying it was to have each day follow a similar pattern. But sure enough, as soon as my contract was up, I found myself missing my routine and wondering how I would fill up my days. Sound familiar? 

For many of us, having the grass-is-always-greener syndrome is a normal facet of life, and I’ve come to understand there’s no need to feel guilty about it. Once I accepted there’s nothing wrong with missing the very things I was complaining about, I was able to focus on my present situation and think about what would suit me the best going forward. At the end of the day, there’s always one patch of grass that’s just a little more green than the other. 

Coconut oil works wonders on dry, damaged hair, and Argan oil makes your skin glow. As much as I love my ombré hair, after coloring it for the third time, my ends were seriously fried. Desperate, I decided to do a coconut oil hair mask which has been all the rage since Miranda Kerr admitted to being a fan. The result: aside from making my hair smell delicious, it totally salvaged my damaged locks, now if only I can stick to doing it regularly.  

The key is to buy extra virgin organic coconut oil, and to put about 1/2 a tablespoon’s worth on your ends (preferably on dry hair), then tie your hair back and cover with a shower cap and a warm towel. Leave it in for 20-30 minutes and make sure to wash your hair very thoroughly afterwards. Do this treatment once a week to once a month depending on how dry your strands are. 

Living Foods Extra Virgin Coconut Oil is amazing for dry, damaged hair


A little Argan oil (I like Josie Maran’s Organic Argan Oil), goes a long way. I’ve started applying a couple of drops to my face each night before moisturizing, and I swear the next day my skin has this dewy glow. I also like to rub a little on my split ends and cuticles, though I can’t say I’ve seen results just yet. 

If you’re not excited to go on a second date with someone, don’t bother going. I think that one speaks for itself. 

Fear is the enemy. Every day, the toughest challenge for me is overcoming my fears. Apart from being terrified of pigeons and falling flat on my face down a flight of stairs, I fear failure, change, of offending someone, and a host of other things. My knee-jerk reaction in most circumstances is to say “I can’t”, or “I’m afraid,” or “what if.” 

Being in a relationship with someone I love is amazing, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed by my fears of things going wrong that I turn into the pathetic version of myself I so deeply despise. The thing is, fear is not the path to personal or professional happiness — quite the opposite. For me, it all boils down to catching myself when I’m about to act out of fear and reminding myself that nothing good can ever come of it. It’s about changing my inner dialogue from “I can’t” to “I will” and focusing on the present. Easier said than done, but I be tryin’. 

Surround yourself with people who support you and inspire you to be better. You know that friend who is always a Negative Nancy and is constantly trying to bring others along for her miserable ride? Yeah, you should try to see her as little as possible because you’ve got bigger things to do, namely focusing on how you can be the best version of yourself. 

Ditch the dating rules and listen to your gut. It didn’t take me too long to arrive at the conclusion that following some arbitrary dating rules was futile, but sadly it didn’t mean I stopped second guessing myself entirely and wondering whether I was doing the “right ” thing. 

For instance, after going on an incredible first date, the guy asked me to come out with him and his friends the next night. Worried I might come across as too available, I wasn’t sure if I should go. When I asked a trusted advisor, his answer was: “Val, it’s your life, not a game of chess; do what you want.” The bottom line was I wanted to go, and so I did. Five months later, we’re still together and I couldn’t be happier. So there you have it. 



The perception principle: why our thoughts are so powerful

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The following is a true story that happened to an older friend of mine. One day, a woman, let’s call her V, walks into a grocery store only to spot none other than her ex-husband’s former mistress, M. Their eyes meet, and as V begins walking in M’s direction, M naturally starts to make a beeline for the nearest exit. With speed on her side, V catches up to M, but rather than attempting any sort of verbal or physical abuse, V proceeds to hug M, and, get this — thanks her. More specifically, V thanks M for being the catalyst that ended a miserable marriage, and consequently enabled her to go on to realize her full potential and find a meaningful and healthy relationship. To say M was flabbergasted would be an understatement.

Undoubtedly, M caused V a lot of pain and sadness, but V made a conscious choice to focus on the positive role M played in her life. Forget about taking the high-road and all that other virtuous stuff, changing her perception of the situation was a way for V to let go of her anger and hate — sentiments that would weigh anyone down. With that, she was able to move on and cause a positive change in her life.

I had heard this story a while ago, but was only able to fully register its significance when I was bedridden for a few days last week due to terrible back pain, that in all likelihood was triggered by stress. See, I didn’t get a job I so desperately wanted, and while there’s hope another position will open up soon, I was profoundly disappointed.

In the midst of my self-pity party, it dawned on me that I could change how I was feeling simply by altering my perception of my circumstances. As soon as I started to believe things didn’t pan out at this time, not because I suck, but because there’s a better opportunity for me on the horizon, my back pain subsided (I kid you not). Rejection still blows, but I’m so much more effective at searching for a job when I don’t associate the process with failure, but rather as a necessary means to a (hopefully) better end. And who knows, maybe in the meantime I’ll have a eureka moment, and I’ll invent an app or something.

What a eureka moment would look like. Hair Color by Nuda; makeup Annie Young Cosmetiques.  

Getting your b*tch on: aka learning to speak up

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Life lessons from my four year-old niece who isn’t afraid to express her mind

It’s a terrible feeling: coming up with the perfect comeback line, but only after the fact. At that point, I convince myself the moment has passed, and so, I let the situation go entirely. You see, I’ve spent my life avoiding conflict and confrontation like the plague, yet now, at 25 years-young, I’m starting to question whether my laissez-faire mentality has been doing me a disservice. Resentment, I’m learning, isn’t a pretty thing.

But how do you suddenly go from being someone who doesn’t speak up when someone says or does something hurtful, or even just plain bothersome, to being the gal who does? Not to over-dramatize, but it’s almost as if part of my identity is tied to my let-it-slide persona. I fear changing my approach would result in diminished success in both my career and personal life, and that I’d find myself in a worse predicament than if I had said nothing.

Or maybe, just maybe, if I stood up for myself, not only would I no longer harbor these feelings of resentment (they seriously do eat away at you), but people would respect me more and stop thinking they could take advantage of my niceness. As much as I love having nice and a great friend attached to my name, being labeled a pushover is decidedly unappealing. For better or for worse, the world can be a cruel place, especially when you’re trying to build a career in a city like New York. What’s more, I’ve realized there’s a big difference between being nice and being a pushover, and I don’t want to enter the second quarter of my life as the latter.

So how do I start? I know I’ll have to take baby steps. If a friend says something hurtful, I’ll have to call him or her out on it right then and there, rather than ignoring it and going home to weigh the consequences of addressing the problem versus not. This doesn’t have to entail saying something bitchy, but rather just stating how I feel at that particular moment. I’m a believer in reacting appropriately given the situation, and hopefully most of the time a calmly worded remark will suffice.

I’m definitely scared peoples’ perception of me will change, but at the end of the day, you have to be at peace with yourself and do what’s right for you — others be damned (to an extent). After all, I see my friends and people around me speaking up all the time, and while sometimes a fight or small argument ensues — it’s rare they stop being friends altogether. In fact, sometimes the relationship is only strengthened. Strengthened relationships and less or no resentment? Now that’s definitely worth a shot.