Getting your b*tch on: aka learning to speak up

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Life lessons from my four year-old niece who isn’t afraid to express her mind

It’s a terrible feeling: coming up with the perfect comeback line, but only after the fact. At that point, I convince myself the moment has passed, and so, I let the situation go entirely. You see, I’ve spent my life avoiding conflict and confrontation like the plague, yet now, at 25 years-young, I’m starting to question whether my laissez-faire mentality has been doing me a disservice. Resentment, I’m learning, isn’t a pretty thing.

But how do you suddenly go from being someone who doesn’t speak up when someone says or does something hurtful, or even just plain bothersome, to being the gal who does? Not to over-dramatize, but it’s almost as if part of my identity is tied to my let-it-slide persona. I fear changing my approach would result in diminished success in both my career and personal life, and that I’d find myself in a worse predicament than if I had said nothing.

Or maybe, just maybe, if I stood up for myself, not only would I no longer harbor these feelings of resentment (they seriously do eat away at you), but people would respect me more and stop thinking they could take advantage of my niceness. As much as I love having nice and a great friend attached to my name, being labeled a pushover is decidedly unappealing. For better or for worse, the world can be a cruel place, especially when you’re trying to build a career in a city like New York. What’s more, I’ve realized there’s a big difference between being nice and being a pushover, and I don’t want to enter the second quarter of my life as the latter.

So how do I start? I know I’ll have to take baby steps. If a friend says something hurtful, I’ll have to call him or her out on it right then and there, rather than ignoring it and going home to weigh the consequences of addressing the problem versus not. This doesn’t have to entail saying something bitchy, but rather just stating how I feel at that particular moment. I’m a believer in reacting appropriately given the situation, and hopefully most of the time a calmly worded remark will suffice.

I’m definitely scared peoples’ perception of me will change, but at the end of the day, you have to be at peace with yourself and do what’s right for you — others be damned (to an extent). After all, I see my friends and people around me speaking up all the time, and while sometimes a fight or small argument ensues — it’s rare they stop being friends altogether. In fact, sometimes the relationship is only strengthened. Strengthened relationships and less or no resentment? Now that’s definitely worth a shot.

Guy pretty versus girl pretty: can your clothes be both?

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Perennially stylish Diane Kruger wears a Calvin Klein look that’s both guy and girl pretty. 
Having time to spare before a first date a while ago, I decided to poll three male friends about what I should wear. Being guys ‘n’ all, I kept the options straightforward: skirt, shorts or a dress. The skirt got one vote, but shorts (read: short shorts) won. So what did I do? Luckily, I had just become the proud owner of a Tibi skort, proving with a little creativity, everyone can be a winner. It was short (enough), comfortable (comfort is key), and I teamed it with a plain black pocket tee and super-high wedges. The verdict: compliments, followed by subsequent dates. 

But here’s the caveat: when I posed the same question to a female friend, her knee-jerk reaction was  “dress.” Muy interesante. It’s no secret there are outfits that are strictly girl pretty, meaning while women will appreciate it, the look will be completely lost on guys. Usually such ensembles fall under the category of super trendy, highly embellished and/or too long and/or loose. For more information, please see: Man Repeller.

My friends and I often discuss the subject of whom do women dress for: themselves? other women? or men? First and foremost, I dress for myself, because if I don’t like my appearance, I couldn’t care less whether others do; and then, depending on where I’m going and whom I’m going to be with, I make a conscious choice to dress either for men or women. Yet lately, as I strive to streamline my wardrobe and make lasting fashion purchases, I’ve been thinking: can you dress for both equally without sacrificing your personal style? According to yours truly, the answer is a resounding yes. However, for those of us who get giddy over maxi skirts and frilly blouses, it does require some effort.

Allow me to let you in on a secret: men like women’s bodies, so if you want a male-approved look, show (some) of it off.  Here’s another secret: women also like when women flaunt what they’ve got, provided it’s tasteful and feels authentic. For instance, while some dames can pull off a body-hugging short dress and look decidedly elegant (i.e., Gwyneth Paltrow)  — my discomfort would instantly give me away. That said, I have no reservations exposing my legs, I would just choose a dress/shorts/skirt that suits my style, and I’d keep my top simple, but not plain because I’m a sucker for interesting draping and details, and I’d make sure it was neither too tight nor too loose. Think a fitted black leather mini, with a half-tucked black and white striped T, high heels and a jean jacket you can easily toss on and off.

Now you’re probably thinking, okay Val, so let’s say my clothes can do double duty and charm both sexes, what happens if on a given day I’m leaning more towards one than the other? I’m so glad you asked because this is a quandary that’s easily solved by none other than a gal’s best friend: accessories. Therefore, while both guys and gals will appreciate the aforementioned outfit with heels, I know ladies will get a kick out of seeing it paired with chic sneakers, oxfords, or riding boots, whereas the fellas would prefer a single sole pump. And while costume jewelry tends to be wasted on men, even the simplest sartorial choice will earn a gal pal’s seal of approval if it’s topped off with some stellar bling. Now go and get yourself some well-deserved compliments.

XOXO

Val

The big bang theory: or why I’m jealous of Lauren Conrad

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Lauren Conrad’s chic new look is giving me serious bang envy

I’ve never looked to Lauren Conrad for fashion inspiration, but her recent Marie Claire cover stirred a longing within me: to bring back my bangs. Seeing LC in her full fringed glory made me miss the days I too had bangs. I’ve gone without for about six months now, but like an ex you can’t seem to fully let go of — such is how I feel about bangs.

I had bangs throughout most of my childhood, but following a traumatic experience before the fifth grade when I decided to play the role of hairdresser, they didn’t return till I was 16. Who was my inspiration then? Why Mischa Barton of course, she of “The O.C.” fame. Since part of the reason my boyfriend at the time was attracted to me was his major crush on Ms. Barton, the bangs stayed and I never looked back.  They danced around from full frontal fringe to side bangs and back again, but a constant they remained. And then it happened; between a summer of hellish NYC heat and their owner’s laziness (bangs are a B%&$# to maintain), they grew out, and — poof — just like that they were gone.

We women have such an attachment to our hair; one might go so far as to say it acts as a protective helmut from the dangerous world surrounding us. But as I “grow up”, I find myself wanting them less to hide under (oh those wonderful teenage years), but rather to add structure to my face and give me a more distinct look. Also, about twice a year I simply get bored with my hair and start itching for a change; my last big move was lightening the ends, and like a good addict I keep wanting to go back for more — i.e. go lighter and lighter.

Part of what’s stopping me from making the cut now is the high maintenance aspect, as well as (hold the judgements), the fact lately I’ve been getting the sense bangs fall under the category of “girl pretty” and not “guy pretty”. You know, kind of like boyfriend jeans or Peter Pan collars. Deep down I believe none of that should matter if you’ve got confidence and a killer smile (and it’s not like I remained chaste while having bangs), yet it remains a deciding factor.

At the end of the day, I’m simply unsure what look suits me better, so I’m asking YOU for input. In fact, you’ve already helped, because in writing this I’ve realized perhaps my main problem is taking life too seriously (umm, I compared bangs to an ex-boyfriend). Thankfully, hair grows, and having an on-again, off-again relationship with a hairstyle is significantly less perilous than a romantic relationship of a similar nature.

Full bangs
Side bangs
Bye bye bangs (I realize this isn’t the greatest shot) 

Summer style: 5 items I can’t wait to wear this season

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1. Chloé Wooden Wedge Sandals 

Chloé wooden wedge sandals

Is it a wedge or a heel? Why, it’s a little bit of both thank you for asking, making these sandals as original as they are comfortable. While a high stiletto is the pinnacle of elegance — the jagged streets of Manhattan make getting anywhere in them a safety hazard, not to mention they’ll get destroyed faster than you can say Manolo. So if you’re like me, and want to at least have the option of walking short distances without having to do the obligatory flip-flop switcheroo, you’ll need to arm yourself with a chunky heel or wedge. I’ve had my eye on these Chloé’s for a while and pounced on them the instant word of Barneys‘ semi-annual sale hit my inbox. At 40% off, they’re not a deal by any means, but a beautifully crafted shoe, particularly in a classic style, will get you places.

2. Club Monaco black Tika Dress with side cutouts

Club Monaco LBD with side cutouts 

I think it was Michael Kors who said when you find a perfect dress — buy it even if you don’t necessarily have an occasion to wear it to. It’s simply one of those things you never seem to find when you need it most. C’mon ladies, admit it, we’ve all been there: it’s the day before a major event and you’re contemplating feigning an illness because you’ve scoured every department store and found nothing to wear. Such logic came in handy when I acquired this LBD from Club Monaco. It fits me like a glove, and the side cutouts let me justify the purchase of yet another black dress. Is there such a thing as too many? Discuss.

Love the zipper detail in the back

3. MiH Jeans “The Phoebe”

“The Phoebe” jeans from MiH are mid-rise and have a slouchy fit.
Perhaps this explains why I’m still single, but I find the right pair of slouchy jeans on a woman can be inexplicably sexy. It must be the laid back, effortless vibe that comes through when one looks comfortable and slightly undone. Whatever it is, I’m planning on living in my MiH‘s this summer. The iconic British denim brand has succeeded in making a style that’s tight around the tush, but loose throughout the leg, and with a comfortable mid-rise. Cuffed once or twice, worn with heels or flats, these versatile light wash jeans will yield a good return on your investment. 
Here they’re shown cuffed once, but you can just as easily cuff them twice,  or not at all. 
The modern print and cut of the top keep this Mara Hoffman bikini away from old lady shores.
Last year, my hunt for a retro bikini à la glamorous Hollywood screen siren from way back when, didn’t get me past dowdy-ville. This year, however, a Mara Hoffman number proved to be the game changer. No, I don’t resemble a screen siren (a gal can dream), but I do look quite cool (if I may say so myself) in this modern re-iteration. Clearly I’m not the only one feeling nostalgic this season because finding this bikini (top and bottom sold separately) in my size was no simple feat; I got the top from Shopbop.com and the bottoms at Anthropologie.com. Nobody said it would be easy.

A little detail goes a long way.

 

5. J. Crew Vintage Cotton Tank 

J. Crew’s airy Vintage Cotton Tanks are practically sheer, and the slight V neckline is flattering on most

I sweat. A lot. This isn’t one of my finest qualities, but it’s not exactly one I can change much either. That said, tank tops are my best friends when temperatures soar, and J.Crew‘s vintage cotton ones top my list. At $24.50 (I got mine when they were 30% off), you don’t have to feel guilty walking out with four because you were paralyzed with indecision over which color(s) to get (oops, did I do that?). The best part is how lightweight these tanks are, making them look and feel perfectly worn-in. Do the masterminds at J.Crew ever sleep?

The weight game: playing without losing your head part II

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Every time I read something with a title along the lines of “How to get your body beach ready in two weeks,” or “Five foods that will give you a flat belly,” I swear it’s going to be my last one, but of course, it never is. I keep thinking the next one will hold the secret to end all secrets — the one that will bring me one step closer to looking like Jessica Alba in a bikini. It never does.

And the more I read, the more confused I become. One’s telling me eating Greek yogurt will do wonders for my waistline, while the next expert is suggesting I ban all dairy from my diet. Caffeine is the devil on Monday, but on Tuesday it’s being lauded for its health benefits. Pardon my French but WTF?! I realized I was becoming a slave to my heath/beach body quest when my morning bowl of cereal started to overflow as I attempted to fill it with as many “superfoods” as humanely possible. Enough was enough.

With bathing suit season officially upon us, it’s easy to become obsessed with clocking in hours at the gym and with what one puts into his or her mouth. Make no mistake both are important, particularly the latter, but any obsession is unhealthy.

In a recent intenSati class, the inspirational founder, Patricia Moreno, said something that really stuck and which I’m going to try to internalize; the key word here being try. For those of you who don’t know, intenSati is a high intensity, affirmation shouting workout focused around self-empowerment via changing your mindset. To convey a point, Patricia drew a circle to represent one’s life/well-being. She allocated a tiny piece to working out, and a slightly bigger piece to what one eats. However, the biggest chunk of the circle was one’s thoughts. Her point was, if we want to love our lives — and our bodies — it all begins with what we think and what we tell ourselves.

She preaches, and I agree, that to achieve our goals (career, fitness, relationship etc.), we have to start from a place of self-acceptance and love. If we accept ourselves exactly as we are, all the while striving to be our personal best — not anyone else’s (here’s to you Jessica Alba), everything else will fall into place. For instance, we’ll make the right decisions regarding what we put into our mouths because we’ll choose foods that give us energy and make us feel good.

Okay, so you’re probably thinking this is all high and mighty Val, but WTF am I supposed to do when I have to be in a two-piece next week? I hear ya loud and clear, but if you take anything away from this post, it’s put down whatever you’re reading and tell yourself you’re perfect just the way you are. Instead of trying to change things, focus on being grateful for what you have and doing what will make you feel even better. I’m going to try this, and if I end up miserable and 10 pounds heavier — I’ll be the first to let you know.

I’ll start with accepting I’ll never look like Jessica Alba in a bikini, something that being of sound mind I always knew, but perhaps never fully reconciled. I also know while diet and exercise can go a long way in changing our physiques and improving our health, a little something called DNA plays an even bigger role (at least that’s what the scientists are saying today). Or as my mother aptly puts it, “no matter what, I’ll never be a tall blonde”. Being her kin, I’ll also never be a leggy blonde (thanks mom, thanks), and perhaps with the exception of pregnancy, I will forever be flat of chest (sounds better than flat chested, no?).

I also know while it may work great for some, eliminating meat, dairy, coffee and all sugar from my diet won’t make me feel better (depressed is the word I’m looking for). Yes, it’s important to educate oneself about the latest nutrition and fitness research, but I’d say (I could be totally wrong) it’s equally as significant to listen to one’s body and do what feels right for YOU and makes YOU happy. Come to think of it, I’ve been at my ideal weight only when I’ve been happy and at peace with my situation — not the other way around. And especially not when I’ve been obsessing over how I look. Is there any way I can declare this the summer of self-love without making you want to punch me in the face? Can I also add happy and confident people are always the most attractive ones? Guess I just did.

The circle of “life”, or just the delicious zucchini frittata at Locande Verde 

Snacking and the city: healthy NYC spots to hold you over

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A friend from out of town hit the nail on the head recently: “it seems all New Yorkers do is eat and workout.” Why I couldn’t have said it better myself. Indeed, this city is filled with foodies who are equally as concerned with the origins of their produce, as they are with fitting into their skinny jeans. As I explained to my friend, eating out is always the main event, one around which all other activities are scheduled around. So what’s one to do in between lunch and dinner? Go to the museum? Maybe. Get a snack — better yet a healthy snack before an indulgent meal? Definitely. Below are three healthy picks: 
1) Chobani SoHo: Shopping in SoHo while dodging camera-happy tourists is an energy-depleting activity that can leave anyone ravenous. Stop by the sleek Chobani store and yogurt bar to refuel and witness just how versatile America’s favorite Greek yogurt can be. The Peanut Butter and Jelly pairs plain Chobani with peanut butter, Concord grape jelly, red grapes and peanuts — genius. Those looking for a more savory option can order the refreshing Cucumber and Olive Oil served with fresh mint, sea salt and pita chips. 150 Prince St.

Is this cute or what? 

2) Say the words fat free, dairy free and gluten free to a New Yorker and you’re bound to get their attention. At Chloe’s Soft Serve fruit Co., the delicious soft serve is made using only real fruit, filtered water and a touch of organic cane sugar, and comes in flavors like dark chocolate, banana, mango and pear. This healthy snack gets even better with toppings that include goji berries, pumpkin seeds, walnuts and plenty of fresh fruit. 25 East 17th St. 

The perfect 4 p.m. pick-me-up.
3) In a city laden with bars, OatMeals’ claim to fame is being the first oatmeal bar. Pop by the pint size shop to watch oatmeal mixologists whipping up concoctions like the Quatre Fruits Rouge, featuring fresh strawberries and raspberries, dried current and cherries, honey and almond milk. Live on the edge and try the Truffle RisOATo (witty) with shaved Parmesan, truffle oil, sea salt and cracked black pepper. Rich in fiber and protein, a little oatmeal is surprisingly filling. Healthy and guaranteed to leave me hangover-free — this is my kinda bar. 120 West Third St. (Between MacDougal & 6th Ave). 
The Pumpkin Pie and Quatre Fruits Rouge bowls at OatMeals 

Beauty breaking point: why I’m reaching for cream bronzer this season

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This post goes out to all the ladies out there who have spent a pretty penny on bronzing powder only to have it shatter into unsalvageable pieces in their purses or suitcases. With summer on the horizon, and with it (hopefully) many weekend jaunts –- I decided there was no time like the present to try a cream bronzer. Being fair skinned, I worried a cream would be too pigmented and would make me look greasy rather than Gwyneth Paltrow lit from within –- the ultimate goal.
Well, a quick consult with a Nars makeup artist was all it took to settle my doubts. A cult favorite, the brand’s multi-purpose stick for eyes, cheeks, lips and body known as The Multiple ($39) comes in a plethora of shades, including St. Barts, i.e., my new summer bronzer. Pale-friendly, with only a faint shimmer, fears of looking too dark and shiny were tossed out the window.
Little did I know, since cream bronzer’s applied with your fingers, you actually have morecontrol over the intensity. Simply dab a bit where the sun naturally hits like the top of the forehead, chin, the cheeks, a little down the bridge of your nose and even on the brow bone, and blend down. While my summer travels won’t be nearly as glamorous as her Lady of Goop’s, at least I’ll arrive at my destination with my bronzer intact and ready to glow.

Nars’ multiple in St. Barts is perfect for fair-skinned gals

Celebrity news: Gwyneth Paltrow keeps dissing Met Ball, talks bikini waxes

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Last week Gwyneth Paltrow earned honesty points from some and disdain from others after USA Today quoted her calling the Met Ball “un-fun”. GP could’ve stopped there and called it a night, but instead she continued what she started during a recording with two Australian radio show hosts that go by Kyle and Jackie O.

The guru admits to being drunk as the recording starts (it was during a dinner the hosts apparently won in a contest), and responds to a question about the gala saying: “It wasn’t fun! Kanye West was playing, and he was furious, and he threw his microphone down. It was all drama.” She then makes a comment that’s sure to get her booted off many a guest list: “I feel that we’re all a bit too old to be dressed punk, you know what I mean? I didn’t. I just went kind of normal.” A highlight of the evening seemed to be when she and hubbie Chris Martin spotted Psy and asked for a picture for their kids. The woman who recently donned a controversial dress with see-through side panels exposing parts of her perky posterior, said she liked the singer’s style, calling it, “MC Hammer meets a Scottish something.” Who knows, maybe he’ll be enlisted as her next stylist.

Other salient points from the interview are when Gwyneth’s recent appearance on Ellen gets brought up. I’m sure by now you’ve caught wind of GP discussing her “seventies bush” on national television. She clarifies to Kyle that although she does get bikini waxes, she had to shave her bush to wear the aforementioned ass dress because “things weren’t tucked in properly.” Clearly it’s a decision she regrets. “It was all a disaster. And now I look like an 8-year-old girl.” Poor gal.

I can’t quite get a read on Gwyneth; one second she’s the “most beautiful” woman in the world  touting the benefits of a two-hour per day workout and eating a dairy free, gluten free — everything free diet, the next she’s the hilarious, drunken girl next door sharing her bush/party troubles with the world. One thing’s for sure — she’s keeping ’em talking. And while recent statements may decrease her standing in Anna Wintour’s books, I’m thinking everyone else is gonna want more.


Summer style: 5 chic caps to wear this season

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Since there’s nothing sexy about a burnt scalp, a fashionable cap should rank high on every gal’s summer shopping list. Once relegated to athletes and kids, this is no longer courtesy of styles that run the gamut from sporty to sophisticated. A go-to look of models off duty, including it-girl of the moment Ms. Delevingne, caps make for a quick and wallet-friendly way to update your look. Here are five picks:
M.V.P. Leopard Jet Cap, $88; at Hypebeast

Pieces Greta Floral Cap, $13.58; at ASOS

Snap-Back Flatbrim Hat, $20; at Adidas 

Studded Baseball Cap, $36; at Topshop 

BDG Denim on Denim Baseball Hat, $24; at Urban Outfitters

Fashion news: Rodale enters retail market

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Mark your calendars for May 20th, otherwise known as the day Rodale is debuting its online store, Rodale’s. The publisher of health and wellness holy grails Women’s Health, Men’s Healthand Prevention, will sell close to 500 ethically sourced products from the likes of Eileen Fisher,Melissa Joy Manning and Gabrielle Sanchez.
Chairman and chief executive officer of Rodale Inc., Maria Rodale, said in a statement that given the company’s focus on providing its audience with solutions, it’s only natural for those solutions to extend to e-commerce merchandise. Rodales.com will offer women’s clothing, specialty foods, toys, beauty products and home goods. If their venture into retail is anywhere near as good as the recipes and ab exercises offered in the magazines –- I’ll be counting down the days. For more information read the full-length article on Women’s Wear Daily.