You talkin’ to me? Changing our inner dialogue

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Do you ever think something to yourself that makes you go what the #@!& immediately after? This has been happening to me a lot as of late, and I’m fed up with my self destructive inner-dialogue. For instance, in my romantic life I’ve never been one to favor “the asshole” or the “sort of asshole” over “the nice guy”. However,  I’ve actually thought to myself recently, and even said aloud to others: “ugh, is he too nice?” And: “why is he being so nice, what does he want?”.  You know you’ve reached a new low when you’re considering turning someone down or questioning them for being too nice. And while I make a point of saying how much I loath game playing as it pertains to dating, lately I find myself wondering if a guy’s desperate if he’s too quick to express interest in me. Despicable. I mean god forbid someone actually likes me, obviously he’s a first-class (“L” on forehead) loser.

Yes, one of the downsides of dating is it can make a cynic out of the best of us, yet I like to think it doesn’t have to. Perhaps I’ve taken one too many affirmation-shouting Inten-Sati classes (at Equinox), where the focus is on empowerment through a more positive inner dialogue. Or maybe it’s the start of a new year and I’ve got my rose tinted glasses on. What I’m trying to express is when such thoughts arise, I’ve got to remind myself that I am worthy of love and good things. In a sense, it’s so much easier to think negatively because then we’re better equipped to deal with disappointments. The reality, however, is we’re much much more likely to find success — in all facets of life, if we believe it is ours to be had. And just think of all the bad energy we’re sending out into the atmosphere?! Still not saying we shouldn’t proceed with caution (there are crazies out there) but you, well, you get it right? Love thyself. Be kind to thyself. Repeat.

xoxo

Val

Better late than never: 2013 resolutions

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Me in “guru pose” (as my friend Pam called it) on New Year’s eve in Saint. Martin. 


Happy 2013 dear readers! I’ve finally come up with some New Year’s resolutions I think I can actually keep. What was that? Disbelief? Oh no you didn’ttttt (insert mandatory finger waving and snapping). Besides, putting my resolutions on the web for all to see already implies a certain degree of accountability, right? I think so anyways.

 What are your resolutions? Send them my way and we can keep each other in-check. Thank you again for reading, it means the world to me as this blog is truly a labor of love. 

1. Blog more. Duh. 

2. De-clutter. Cabinets, closet, desk — the works. I find I breathe easier when there’s less “stuff” around me. It’s also a major time-saver, especially for someone who is perennially late. That brings me to my second resolution…

3. Be on time. Stop under-estimating how much time I need to get ready and arrive at my final destination. 

4. Get together with friends more often during the week. Drinks on a Wednesday despite having work the next day? Yes please! Life’s too short to not take advantage of NYC’s vibrant nightlife which some argue attracts better crowds (ahem, eligible bachelors) on weekdays. 

5. Eat less sweets. Moderation, moderation, moderation.

6. Keep changing up my exercise regime to avoid getting bored and to keep my muscles on their toes so to speak. Last year I fell in love with the ballet inspired barre-burn classes and the heart-pumping, affirmation shouting inten-sati classes at Equinox. In 2013, I’m trying pilates on the megaformer at SLT. It has been described as “pilates on steroids”, and while I’m scared, I’m also kind of psyched. I’ve also just gotten into Mary Helen Bowers’ ballet-based dvd workouts. The former ballerina and Natalie Portman’s trainer for Black Swan helps you get that long and lean ballerina body. Her quick, targeted workouts are perfect when you’re traveling or pressed for time. 

7. Sport a bold lip more often. It’s an instant winter pick-me-up on days when I’m looking Edward-Cullen-esque. My current favorite is Nars’ Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in “Dragon Girl”.

8. Smile more at strangers. As Gandhi said, “be the change you wish to see in the world”, and I would like to live in a more positive, upbeat world. And also because you never know who will smile back… 

9. Reap the benefits of living in New York City by attending more art exhibits, plays, comedy shows, musicals and concerts. 

10. Remain calm. I almost want to cross this one off the list because calm and me don’t exactly go together, but I really, really, really want to try to keep my cool in the face of  stress this year. I can and I will try and that’s the most we can ever ask of ourselves — to try. And if we fail — there’s always 2014.

Xoxo

Val 

Drinking in the city: 10 favorite NYC bars

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Chances are, if you’re planning a visit to NYC, you’ll want some boozing to compliment your eating (which will also involve boozing), but hey — you only live once (YOLO). Here are some of my favorite bars based primarily on atmosphere and crowd “quality” because cocktail-connoisseur I aien’t. So eat, drink and be merry my friends! Happy holidays

xoxo – Val

1) The Wren 
2) 10 Degrees (yummy food too)
3) The Mulberry Project
4) Wilfie and Nell (yummy food too)
5) Employees Only (yummy food too)
6) Little Branch
7) Booker and Dax
8) Pete’s Tavern (great burger)
9) The Lobby Bar at Ace Hotel (yummy food too)
10) Kingswood (really, really yummy food too)

The weight game: playing without losing your head

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No reservations – enjoying a heavenly birthday brunch at The Dutch

I’ve had to buy some new pants recently. Normally, this would be a cause for celebration, or something to that effect, but the emphasis here is on the had.  You guessed it — yours truly has put on weight. The lethal combination of stress/exhaustion from balancing work with school and a social life led me down the dangerous path of snacking when I (insert gasp) — wasn’t hungry. Aside from the financial “toll” of emotional eating, I was getting terrible stomach pains and felt like crap. Don’t be mistaken, I’m not calling myself even remotely “large” or even suggesting I need to lose any weight, but my “situation” got me thinking about issues many of us — correct me if I’m wrong — grapple with.

Growing up, I never thought twice about what I ate; fortunately, my parents went to great lengths to maintain a healthy household without ever bringing the word “calorie” into the equation. It’s precisely why I hate that as I get older and my metabolism slows down and my mother no longer cooks for me, I need to think more about my food choices if I want to feel good and look the way I’ve grown accustomed to. And while I know it’s wrong to eat my feelings rather than deal with the stress head on — I also don’t want thoughts about food and looks to permeate my life to the point where I stop enjoying either. What to do, what to do?

For a while I had no idea, so I just kept snacking (healthy snacks no less ) in the hopes I would find a solution. I didn’t. Perhaps you’ll agree one of life’s greatest challenges is finding a balance that works for you. It’s certainly something I struggle with and I’m sharing my story because I’m getting warmer. For starters, I started to re-train my body with the focus on feeling better.  It wasn’t easy saying goodbye to my anxiety rice cakes and melancholia granola bars, but I did, and I felt better instantly. It also helped that I realized green juices and I just weren’t meant to be, but that’s another story…

However, even though I felt better, I couldn’t stop chastising myself up about gaining the weight. My poor parents had to endure my whining all throughout their visit until finally my dad looked at me and said: “Val, you look great, just buy some bigger pants and shut-up already”. He was right. Now that my stomach was no longer bothering me and I ceased eating when I wasn’t hungry (most of the time at least, I’m human), it occurred to me that if losing those extra couple pounds means having to deprive myself of delicious meals (dessert included)  — it’s not worth it (for me). To each his own, but I love food too much and have always been a staunch believer in the only eat it if it’s yummy rule to monitor what I eat to that extent. Maybe my old pants just aren’t meant to fit again. It’s not like I’m earning my bread and butter as a VS model. The important thing is I’m healthy and thanks to group fitness classes I actually want to go to — I’m the fittest I’ve ever been.

What makes me laugh is how prior to moving to New York, my anxiety caused me to drop several pounds and I spent most of it lamenting the loss of my otherwise ample tush. Why women, me among them, are hard-wired to never be satisfied and always want what they can’t have will remain a mystery and fact of life. However, I’m trying hard to be more accepting of myself and making changes if necessary without sacrificing what makes me happy — larger pants and occasional pumpkin pie notwithstanding.

Words of Wisdom from a 25 year old

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Toasting 25 years of wisdom (yeah right!) at Kingswood 

Twenty-five. The big 2-5. Quarter. Life. Crisis. Any Sex and the City devotee likely recalls the episode where Carrie goes to an Italian restaurant to celebrate her 35th birthday (or maybe it was 34th?) and none of her friends show up. And if the situation wasn’t dire enough – the girl next to her loudly proclaims: “25 – f#&% I’m old”. Ouch. Well today I’m 25, and for some reason, that’s all I seem to want to say right now. Now I know 25 isn’t actually old, especially in today’s world where the notion of age is constantly being redefined. I need not look any further than my 82 year-old grandfather who walks at such a brisk pace, few 25 year-olds (cough, cough) can keep up. Besides, with age comes wisdom, and just like I did last year, I want to share some of what I’ve learned over the last year with you. Having lived in New York City since January, this past year has been quite the whirlwind; I’ve often found myself exclaiming: “I feel like I’ve lived 10 years in the last year”.  I’ve always had a flair for the dramatic, but needless to say – I’ve got lots to share, so let’s get on with it.


1) Two words: emerging adulthood. Yup, that’s the name developmental psychologist Jeffrey Arnett calls the period between ages 18-29 — a period his research shows ought to be recognized as a distinct developmental stage that occurs between adolescence and full-on adulthood. His theory is supported by findings that the area of our brain in charge of planning, prioritizing and controlling impulses isn’t entirely developed until our late twenties. Jackpot. I’ve been reading a lot about Arnett and similar research, most recently in the November issue of ELLE, and I couldn’t agree more. Neither Arnett nor I am saying we should put off growing up and decision making, but given the changing society twenty-somethings live in today (globalization, changes in corporate culture, delaying marriage and having children), there’s nothing wrong with taking this time to explore various lifestyles, career/education paths and relationships. It’s nice to know that science supports — even encourages us to make mistakes and figure things out during these formative years, which is why why we shouldn’t get down on ourselves when we have to stop, re-think and reboot. Can you hear that? It was a sigh of relief.

2) We are all works in progress. Harking back somewhat to my first point, I’m slowly learning results don’t come overnight — they hardly ever come over lots and lots of nights
 — sometimes even years. I’m someone who want to see the fruits of my labors very quickly; I start working out more, well I want to see some definition within weeks, or I start dating and I get discouraged when I don’t meet the man of my dreams on the third try. Well, I’m slowly learning life just doesn’t work that way — it really is a constant fight. When all we think about are results, what we’re really doing is setting ourselves up for disappointment. On the other hand, if we tell ourselves that we’re a constant work in progress and that it’s okay to lose track of our goals, or that we might not get what we want when we want it, we’ll be able to enjoy the journey. The important thing is to keep trying and to not waste time chastising yourself if you fall off the horse, but rather get back on it and charge ahead.

3) Never under-estimate the importance of looking put together. I’m not referring to having your hair blown-out daily — I’m a weekday bun-wearer myself, however, you always feel better and have a happier, more productive day when you take that extra step. That means wearing a touch of makeup, a little jewelry and some nice shoes. Oh, and for gods-sake NO Lululemon’s unless you just worked out or are planning on doing so within 2.5 hours, are nursing an abominable hangover, or if there’s a hurricane approaching. And don’t even get me started on leggings as pants. 

4) You can’t please everyone, so just stop trying. Stop it. Now. I’m the epitome of a people-pleaser, and let me tell you — it’s exhausting.  I mean I have lost sleep worrying about whether I had hurt someone’s feelings, someone who wasn’t even a good friend, only to later learn they had no recollection of the conversation. My mom has always said: “you’re not a $10 bill — not everyone will like you”. Wise words spoken by an even wiser woman. Between dating, working in different offices and socializing,  I find myself interacting with an increasing number of people, and I know if I continue over-analyzing whether my words and/or actions might’ve negatively affected someone, or worse — their view of me —  I’ll look 50 by the time I hit 30.  Now there’s food for thought.

5) When a guy tells you he’s bad at relationships, isn’t a good communicator and doesn’t know what he wants in his life despite being in his thirties — run. Fast. Never look back. I know I’m regurgitating words from a previous post about dating, but it’s something I had to learn the hard way this year, so if I can spare you a lil pain — than all the better. In fact, I’m considering putting these words on T-shirts. Thoughts? 

6) Be flexible. I’m not talking about the yoga-kind of flexibility, even though I think it does wonders for the mind and body, but rather being flexible in life. I’ve never been good at either, but as I get older (gaaaaa), I realize the importance of being able to go with the flow and the need to shake things up from time to time. I’m a stickler for routine, but some of the greatest nights of the past year took place when I abandoned my “plan” and did something unexpected, or that I didn’t necessarily want to do. 

7) Read. Books, newspapers, magazines, blogs — the more the merrier. Reading is exercise for our brains and it’s never too early to start thinking about ways we can stave off the horrible disease that is Alzheimer’s. What’s more, reading makes us smarter, more well-rounded humans — yuppie! It’s also the best way to become a stronger writer and a better conversationalist, plus, it’s enjoyable and a great way to unwind.  I always start my day by reading a couple articles from the New York Times and New York Magazine, while ensuring to check my style blogs (duh). Below are some  books I’ve read and liked recently:

– This is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper
– The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides 
– The Starboard Sea by Amber Dermont
– Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

8) Dating isn’t easy. Throw that notion out the window and enter the dating world helmut in hand because there will be bumps and you will sustain bruises along the way. I promise though, it will be fun too. Another bit of wisdom: go into every date open-minded. To quote my mother: “you may not like him but you might just like his friend…” Life is full of surprises and you literally never know who’s waiting around the corner which is why I think it’s  important to get out there and date — as daunting and painful as it might be. After all, it’s kind of hard to win the lottery if you never bought a ticket in the first place. 

9) Throw out the dating rules. When I first forayed into the Manhattan dating world, I was  so focused on how things “ought” to be according to some arbitrary “rules”  that were ingrained in my head, that I spent an inordinate amount of time obsessing over whether I had done something “wrong”. With time and a little experience, I’ve come to believe that rules are stupid, and that when it’s “right”, no one’s going to care who made the first move or who over-shared on the first-date. If you want to call him — do it! If you’re scared, then maybe that’s all the more reason to do it. I didn’t always think this way, but I’m learnin’.

 10) Listen to your body. Just because your friend can workout six days a week and feel perfectly fine, doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Take cues from your body because it’s always communicating with you. I said this back when I was a young lass at 24: our health is the most important thing we’ve got in this world, so we have to take care of our bodies and our minds. If something doesn’t feel right, stop. There’s nothing wrong with trying again, but take it easy. And always remember to inhale and exhale. I tend to forget so I figured I’d remind y’all. 

And one more for good luck: Don’t knock online dating until you’ve tried it. All you skeptics out there need to step into 2012 and realize it’s not your mama’s dating world anymore. Trust me on this one. Just give it a try. Just one — or two, or three. I’ll shut up now. 

Happy Birthday Me!

xoxox
Val

What better time to try a bold lip than on my birthday?
Nars Lip Lacquer in Hot Wired 
Kisses to y’all! 







Hurts so good: the positive side of pain

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In exercise, the saying is pain is good; but when it comes to matters of the heart, does the adage still apply? I think so. After all, something tells me John Mellencamp wasn’t talking about a particularly grueling workout when he sang “Hurts So Good” back in the 80s. When a relationship ends, as a nearly five month long one did for me recently, one doesn’t always see the positives right away, but believe me — they’re there — somewhere. Pain of any kind, in this case the romantic sort, begets a lot of not so fun things, but it also leads to wisdom. And what good is relationship/dating wisdom if you can’t share it with others – especially the ones who suffer through your ramblings — i.e. blog posts. Trust me when I say I’ve dated extensively since my move to NYC in January; I’m one of those go big or go home kinda gals, so the musings below do have some (not much) grounds for validity.

1. Patience is a virtue, but too much of it and you risk creeping into self-denial and unhappiness territory. Don’t get me wrong, my time with, let’s call him B, was a ton of fun and I learnt A LOT, but when you know something’s not working, it’s best to not wait around and get out before the potential for pain escalates and you have more wisdom than you know what to do with. Catch my drift? Your gut will tell you when enough is enough. I wasn’t sure I even had a gut until it started yelling at me with a megaphone, like I’m sure yours will if it hasn’t done so already.

2. When a guy tells you he’s bad at relationships, isn’t a good communicator and doesn’t know what he wants in his life despite being in his thirties — run. Fast. Never look back.

3.  Don’t be afraid to speak up if something is bothering you. I was so scared to rock the boat and to be the much-maligned needy girl that I waited too long to discuss issues that were upsetting me and taking up an inordinate amount of space in my brain. Yes, you risk hearing things you don’t want to hear, but ignorance can only be blissful for so long. In the end, I was glad I spoke up because I like myself too much to settle for anything less than what I want and believe I deserve to have in a relationship.

4. Be yourself. You can only be someone else for so long before you realize it’s a lose-lose situation for both parties involved. There were times with B when I was trying to seem casual about things I didn’t feel casual about, or feigned interest in subjects I wasn’t interested in because I thought it would make me more likable. This was very uncharacteristic of me and the fact I was doing it, and was aware of my actions made me doubt whether “this” was in fact right for me. It wasn’t. My theory, and many will concur, is that when it’s “right”, you feel at ease being yourself, albeit a slightly more well-groomed version.

5.  When in doubt, date. From the get-go I had my doubts as to whether things with B could ever get past the this-is-way-too-much-fun-to-pass-up stage and morph into something serious, so I kept an open mind about the possibility of dating others simultaneously. I wasn’t on the prowl cougar-style or anything, but I definitely wasn’t putting on my habit either. Not only did such a mind-set keep me from obsessing over every little detail with B (self-destructive) and from coming off as “too available”, it was a way of re-affirming to myself that I’m not willing to settle. What happened was I ended up meeting S,  whom I had a great time with, and while things didn’t work out there either (surprise, surprise), the wonderful way he treated me highlighted some of B’s shortcomings and put certain matters into perspective. Perspective, my friends — is a good thing.

And one more for good luck…

6. Men are stupid. They are also fun. Like many of us modern-day women, we don’t need ’em, we just want ’em. One of the reasons why is listed above, the others, well, there are many and we all have our own. The point I’m trying to make is as hard and daunting as dating and relationships can be (excruciating at times), it’s a ride that’s worth it and one we should enjoy. Pain has a positive side; pain  makes us wise, and wisdom — is priceless. Bottom line: never, ever give up. Never.

Fall style: what I can’t wait to wear this season

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1. Animal prints

Silk leopard pants from Zara

How delightful that these lightweight silk pants feel like pyjamas, but unlike the many other pairs I’ve tried on — they don’t look like they were never meant to leave the boudoir. Me loves a good animal print because one only has to add killer accessories and keep the rest of the outfit simple. I see these pants with a plain black or white T, a bold necklace or even ladylike pearls for contrast, my black leather jacket and my black Chloe booties (shown below). It’s what I call instant chic with a hint of badass thrown in for good measure. And because I think everything looks awesome with a denim shirt — think Jenna Lyons — I’ll be sure to pair it with one at some point and perhaps some classic pumps in black or a bold solid color.

Not quite an animal print, but how chic is this silk polka dot and tiger head top from Sandro? Always enjoy an exposed zipper. From The Bay in Montreal.

2. Funky sweaters
J.Crew wool and cashmere blend bird sweater and J.Crew 100% cashmere sweater. 
Can’t say I’ve missed the sensation of cashmere and wool — I’m a total summer girl, but sweaters are essential to any fall/winter wardrobe and I figure I might as well have a lil fun while staying warm. Since this is the season of the collar, I’m looking forward to wearing both these sweaters with bright colored silk shirts underneath, and obviously — with denim shirts too. I even bought a pearl collar necklace to add some whimsy. 
Collar necklace from The Bay in Montreal

3.  Ankle boots

Chloe ankle boots

The photo doesn’t do these booties justice as some of the beautiful detailing is lost, but trust me — they’re a work of art. My birthday’s only in November, but when I saw these I knew I had to ask for an advance on my gift. Chloe designs footwear that feels like butter, holds up over time, and fits me to perfection so I simply couldn’t resist. That’s a good enough reason to splurge, no? They’re not exactly Chelsea boots, since they don’t have the characteristic elastic siding that goes from the welt to the top of the shoe, but they definitely resemble the tight fitting ankle boots that came about in the Victorian era and were worn for horse-back riding. Well, they’re kind of a more punked out version and they’re bound to earn me some cool points.

4. Peplums
Peplum top from H&M

If you asked me to describe the forthcoming season in one word it would be “peplum”. Peplum tops, dresses and skirts are so ubiquitous this season, part of me is already sick of them. However, the right one can look so fabulous (hello waist!) that I can’t help but embrace the trend myself. If you can’t beat ’em…  I’m anticipating wearing my bordeaux number with my J Brand brocade jeans (pictured below) and my leather pencil skirt for a vamped up ladylike effect.

5. Brocade jeans
J Brand brocade jeans

It’s tough to tell, but the brocade detailing is actually velvet — nice! J Brand mid-rise skinny jeans are ultra comfortable and fit me rather well if I do say so myself, therefore when I spotted them in this gorgeous and easy to match print — I succumbed. And there you have it my friends. Have a happy fall! 

xoxo
Val 

Five summer beauty products I’m loving now

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1. Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel Eyeliner $22.00 U.S.
C’mon ladies, we’ve all been there — that glorious moment mid-evening where we go “freshen up” only to realize our eyeliner is everywhere except where it should be. Sexy, right? WRONG! Well this eyeliner is water-resistant and keeps smudges to a bare minimum (the barest I’ve ever experienced at least). Plus, it comes in a range of colors that are easily applied with an ultra fine eyeliner brush. I like it in “Chocolate Shimmer Ink”.

2. Nars Multi-Protect Primer SPF 30 /PA+++  $32 U.S.
Put a dab of this on your face pre-makeup application and you’ll be matter than matt! Trust me, I’m the queen of summer time t-zone shine and this primer gets the job done. And not to sound like an infomercial or anything, but I really do find it makes my makeup go on smoother and stay on longer. I’m not so sure about its claims to keep the effects of pollution at bay, but it doesn’t have parabens and me thinks that’s a good thing.

3. Bumble and Bumble Brilliantine $22 U.S.
I’ll use any excuse to try a new beauty product and in this case it was quite simple: Olivia Wilde uses it, and doesn’t she have the most perfect beachy waves like all the time??? Luckily my $22 didn’t go down the beauty drain because I’ve been using Brilliantine almost daily since May. Put an edamame size amount in your hand (maybe a bit more if you have lots of hair), scrunch, and say hello to your just-got-out-of-bed-after-a-day-at-the-beach-hair.

4. RMS Living Luminizer $38 U.S.
At last my prayers have been answered — God (a.k.a. makeup artist Rose-Marie Swift), has created a luminzer that’s entirely edible. Okay, I’m kidding, I’ve never prayed for anything of the sort, but I’m sure sleeping better at night knowing at least one product I’m applying on my face is made with raw, food grade, organic ingredients. Place a little on your brow bone, the inner corners of your eyes, across the bridge of your nose, and make a “C” shape extending from the end of your brow to the top of your cheekbone, and voila — a radiant glow from within minus all that yucky chemical crap.

5. Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer
If you a) don’t have a home in the Hamptons and/or b) fear sun damage and or c) turn bright red at even the slightest interaction with sunlight, then Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer ought to be your new best friend. That is of course if you’re in the market for that ellusive I was just on vacation don’t I look rested look. Seriously though, who isn’t? Joking aside, if you can get past the slightly off-putting scent, this lotion does the job and is streak free when applied properly (don’t be dumb and pay attention). That’s all…