The day after your wedding people begin bombarding you with questions about when you’re going to have a baby. Then, almost immediately after you have said baby, those same folks start asking when you’re going to give him/her a sibling. Basically, people are nosy, or they’re just trying to make conversation. Either way, there’s no avoiding it, and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been pondering the idea of baby number two since Levi was born. Well, you know, give or take a day or two.
Levi’s turning two next month, and for the record: I’m NOT pregnant. Nor are we trying. Yet. If you’ve been following my motherhood journey, you’re aware the first year of my son’s life was very tough for me. I struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression, as well as insomnia. I adored my baby but I wasn’t in a good place physically or mentally. Once I finally recognized what was going on, I sought treatment and started feeling like myself again. Consequently, year two has been all about enjoying the crazy roller coaster that is motherhood. I’m in a really good place, and the idea of dealing with pregnancy, child birth, and those long, sleepless newborn nights scares me. I’m nervous to rock the boat (bassinet?) so to speak.
In my experience, being a mom isn’t really something you can prepare for. And while you can have all the advice in the world — you have to make your own mistakes too. I knew what not to do and yet I still did some of it. Why? Because it felt right at the time. Honestly, some of those early months are a bit of a blur. Hello, hormones and sleep deprivation. That said, I want to share some of the most important lessons I’ve learned over these last 15 months because maybe, just maybe, you’ll take some of my advice to heart. Or, or, you’ve been in the same boat and will feel comforted knowing at least one other person has been there too and gets it. So, without further ado…
Don’t be a hero. I believed if my job title was stay at home mom, well, I had to be really damn good at it. And for some inexplicable reason, that meant I had to do almost everything myself. I’m someone who craves control and can be a bit of a perfectionist, and so during Levi’s first year it was hard for me to trust others with his care. I also felt a strong need to prove myself as a mother, and as a result I didn’t hire enough help to begin with. What’s more, I turned down many offers for free (yes, free) help from willing family members.
This was wrong, SO wrong. The saying it takes a village to raise a child is just as true in our fast paced modern society as it was back when the term was coined (anyone know when that was)? We are not meant to do this alone. I repeat: we are not meant to do this alone, and we need all the support we can get. I actually felt guilty, that’s right— guilty leaving Levi with others in order to take some much needed time for myself. Well, playing the martyr eventually got old and led me to feel resentful and burnt out. I also think it’s one of the many reasons I ended up struggling with postpartum anxiety and, later, depression. So please don’t feel bad for getting help if you can afford it, and for the love of god don’t turn down free offers of help so you can practice self care (or at least accept most of them)!!! Others may not follow your baby’s routine as well as you’d like, but you deserve the break, and chances are your child will be just fine. This brings me to my second point…
It’s okay to break the rules sometimes. I love routine. A lot. I do better with structure, and I’m a firm believer kids benefit from rules and routine as well. That said, I’ll be the first to admit I became too obsessed with maintaining Levi’s sleep schedule during his first year. I mean I would literally stress out if he missed his nap or bedtime by more than ten minutes.
In addition to wanting Levi to get the rest he needed (and let’s be honest — I needed too), I desperately wanted to have a sense of control over both our schedules. My well intentioned desire to have him go to sleep on time and in his crib caused me to turn down many plans and outings. Unfortunately, my actions left me feeling more anxious and isolated than ever before and ultimately contributed to my PPD and anxiety.
Experience has taught me nothing bad will happen to either one of us if Levi goes to bed later once in a while. Even sleep experts will tell you well rested children can tolerate missed naps or later bedtimes every so often. In fact, it’s a normal part of life to make exceptions. But because of my postpartum anxiety, something so obvious just wasn’t clear to me at the time. Thank goodness I sought help. Not being afraid to break the rules here and there has made motherhood so much more enjoyable and I’m deeply grateful I was able to get there.
I’ve dealt with anxiety on and off my entire adult life. For the most part it’s manageable, but twice I’ve needed medication to get me through particularly challenging times. Unsurprisingly, my anxiety decided to rear its ugly head when I was faced with my biggest challenge to date: motherhood.
It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when it started, but around the time Levi turned four months I became consumed with all things sleep related. I was exhausted and desperate to get him sleeping better. I read countless books and hired a sleep consultant, and yet one month into sleep training, Levi’s naps were still hit or miss, and some nights he would wake up crying at odd times. Instead of accepting it and recognizing that hey, he’s just a baby and this is normal, I did the opposite — I blamed myself and obsessed over every short nap and rough night. Did I put him to bed too late? Was his awake window too long? Everything was somehow my fault.
I began to feel anxious before every nap and bedtime but I figured many new moms dealt with this type of anxiety and it would pass. After all, I was generally happy the rest of the time and in love with my baby.
I knew something wasn’t quite right when Levi was seven months and I began losing sleep about our upcoming trip to Montreal and the baby free vacation to New York we had planned. By this point Levi was sleeping through the night and napping reasonably well, yet I remained anxious about everything. I couldn’t help it. My parents brought up the subject of medication, but I brushed it off because I didn’t want to take any drugs until I was done nursing. I also remained optimistic my anxiety would improve on its own as I settled into motherhood.
Happy New Year dear readers! As I’ve said before, my life is essentially an open “blog” because I find the act of sharing to be quite therapeutic. So here goes: I’ve got babies on the brain. Perhaps it’s because I’m surrounded by the most adorable little ones (thank you friends), or because my clock has started to tick (thank you mother nature), or because my husband is so freakin’ amazing around little kids that it fills my heart with glee (thank you husband).
It’s probably a combination of all the above, plus the fact I’ve always loved babies and have wanted to have children since before I even knew where they came from. You know those people that stop to ooh and aah at every puppy they come across? Well, that’s me except with babies. Once they hit five I start to lose interest (unless they’re related to me like my nieces and nephew, and obviously if they’re mine, or at least I hope so). All this to say that I’m praying 2017 will be the year I get pregnant. Holy sh*t — just writing this makes me extremely happy and terrified all at once. #overwhelmed. Continue reading →
I recently saw Barbra Streisand in concert, and since then I haven’t been able to get an anecdote she recounted out of my head. Mrs. Streisand told the audience how one of her album covers was retouched to remove the bump from her nose. She was infuriated she said, because, ” this nose and I have been through a lot together”. I’ve always admired Streisand’s career (she’s one of the few to have an Oscar, a Golden Globe and a Tony!), but more than that — I’ve admired the fact she’s gotten to where she is without succumbing to the pressure to change how she looks.
There have been moments in my life when I’ve considered eliminating the bump in my nose only to decide against it. Each of those times I’ve reminded myself that it’s this very nose that’s gotten me to where I am today. I remind myself that I personally don’t have an issue with my nose but I’m sometimes fooled into disliking it because I realize it doesn’t conform to society’s so-called standards of beauty. I see images of “beautiful” women with their small, smooth noses, only to look at myself in the mirror and notice my own nose looks nothing like theirs. This in turn makes me insecure.
Yours truly hanging with the Matador Room’s talented chefs, Jeremy Ford and Joe Mizzoni
I recently interviewed five successful people (including Top Chef champion Jeremy Ford) about the weirdest ways they like to de-stress, and their answers will surprise, inform, and entertain you. Plus, I share the weird way I like to de-stress.
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