Pregnant in a Pandemic: What it’s Been Like for Me

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30 Weeks Pregnant during our weekend “babymoon” in Key Largo

We found out I was pregnant on March 15, the same day we began to quarantine. The pregnancy was planned (I don’t do unplanned), but the news was overwhelming to say the least. Having suffered from postpartum anxiety, mild depression, and insomnia during my first year of motherhood, I went into this pregnancy with a degree of uncertainty. I  knew that given my experience, I would probably never think it was the right time to have another baby, but since we were sure we wanted two children — we went for it anyways. You know the saying, “people plan and God laughs?” Well, it certainly felt like that. Suddenly my fiery toddler was out of school; my husband was working from home, and I was pregnant and two weeks into studying to become a certified pediatric sleep consultant. It was a lot.

Almost immediately, my dear friend anxiety resurfaced, and, as is often the case — he brought insomnia along for the ride too. It was a rough first month of quarantine, but thankfully with the help of family and plenty of therapy, I was able to adjust (more or less) to this new normal. What made it easier was that Levi was happier than ever to be home and spending plenty of time with us — especially his grandma and auntie (they’ve been literal lifelines for me), and after a month of chaos, we found our groove and got into a new routine.

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I’m not a Cool Mom I’m a Regular Mom

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My going out without a toddler look is vastly different from my  mom on duty style.

Im not a cool mom, I’m a regular mom. There, I said it.

I’m a stickler when it comes to bedtimes and nap-times, and not just for my son — for myself too. If I’m to stay out past 11pm, it has to really, really worth my while.

My t-shirts are perpetually stained; in fact, I’ve given up on wearing nice clothes altogether when I’m with Levi. My hair is always in a ponytail and I almost never remember to wear lipstick.

I’m constantly chasing Levi around with baby wipes, and a dust buster has recently become a permanent fixture in my car. Woah, that was a hard one to admit.

My house is extensively baby proofed (even my fridge has a lock) because I have the kind of kid who will get into anything and everything and thinks lighters make for the best toys.

I couldn’t figure out how to breast feed in public without looking —and more importantly — feeling like a hot mess, so I spent the majority of Levi’s first year at home. It backfired and I wouldn’t recommend it.

I say “no” a lot and I give time outs when I don’t see a logical alternative. I get impatient and annoyed easily and I don’t think toddlers are “so much fun”.

I’ve been known to use food as a method of bribery. I refer to it as “mental health food” (I.e. food for mom’s sanity).

I find myself on the verge of losing it on a fairly regular basis, and I routinely question whether I’m a good mom. If you’ve been following this blog, you know I struggle with anxiety, and while some days are great, others can feel extremely hard. Medication helps.

I’m in zero rush to take my son to Disney Land (the lines! The crowds!). Truth be told, the only way you’ll see me traveling with my toddler is if it’s to visit family and if the flight is under four hours long. And even so, I’ll do it begrudgingly.

So yeah, I don’t think I fit the standard definition of a so-called cool mom. But guess what? I don’t really care. That’s not my goal. I’m taking care of myself and my family in a way that makes sense and feels most natural to me. I’m a work in progress and I’m figuring out this motherhood thing as I go along — making mistakes and learning plenty along the way. I love Levi more than anything in this world and I will do everything to protect him. He’s my magic angel boy, and being his *regular* mom is my greatest joy.

XOXO

Val

Motherhood Update: Levi Turns Two

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Levi’s favorite pastime: eating al fresco, preferably naked.

Two years old! Our baby boy is TWO years old. Wow  — what a great year it’s been for our family. Year one was full of highs and low lows, but year two was relatively smooth sailing. There were fewer curveballs, and, when a challenge arose — David and I had the confidence to tackle it head on. We were so much more relaxed!

Levi, I’m writing this post mainly because years from now (or even in six months) I want to remember exactly what you were like at this point in time. My sweet angel bear — you are happiness personified. I’ve never met a boy who smiles as big as you and who takes such great pleasure in the little things in life (batteries, tiny rocks, hand sanitizer, and your favorite — LOTION). A song, a great book, and of course — a bag of snacks makes your entire face light up. I finally understand what it means to smile with your eyes. 

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Levi & Mila

Your teachers call you “a lover” because you are so warm and affectionate with your friends. You are happiest when hugging or holding hands with those around you. And also when you’re running around outside, naked, and preferably with food in your hands.

Recently, you’ve grown especially fond of babies, and the way you approach them and say “nice, nice” while stroking them ever so softly melts my heart. When a friend is crying, your face immediately saddens as you head over to try and comfort them. I know you will be the most incredible big brother one day.

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How I Really Feel About Having Another Baby (no I’m not pregnant!)

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Two days before giving birth to Levi!!!

The day after your wedding people begin bombarding you with questions about when you’re going to have a baby. Then, almost immediately after you have said baby, those same folks start asking when you’re going to give him/her a sibling. Basically, people are nosy, or they’re just trying to make conversation. Either way, there’s no avoiding it, and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been pondering the idea of baby number two since Levi was born. Well, you know, give or take a day or two.

Levi’s turning two next month, and for the record: I’m NOT pregnant. Nor are we trying. Yet. If you’ve been following my motherhood journey, you’re aware the first year of my son’s life was very tough for me. I struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression, as well as insomnia. I adored my baby but I wasn’t in a good place physically or mentally. Once I finally recognized what was going on, I sought treatment and started feeling like myself again. Consequently, year two has been all about enjoying the crazy roller coaster that is motherhood. I’m in a really good place, and the idea of dealing with pregnancy, child birth, and those long, sleepless newborn nights scares me. I’m nervous to rock the boat (bassinet?) so to speak.

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Motherhood Update: Levi at 22 Months

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My happy 22-month-old at school 

With each passing month I find myself marveling over how much Levi has changed. One minute he’s got a vocabulary of 20 words — and the next he’s stringing words together to make a sentence! The other day he said to me: “close the door,” and then looked over at David and said “come, Daddy, please.”

I don’t know if it was something about the Canadian air, or simply his age, but Levi’s growth was exponential during our trip to Montreal at 20 months. Suddenly he seemed to understand everything we were saying and could even respond to some of our questions. He even learnt how to say please, which I’m quite proud of.

I was so nervous about flying solo with him since he literally doesn’t sit still, but thankfully the trip went really smoothly. I bought him his own seat and put him in his car seat. At first he protested, but once he understood he was stuck in there — he decided to make the best of it. It helped that I brought plenty of snacks he normally doesn’t get, and that the flight was during his nap time. He slept half the way and mama got to watch a little Runaway Bride. If you have a rambunctious toddler like me, I highly recommend strapping them into their car seat and not taking them out for the duration of the entire flight (provided it’s a short flight).

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Mom musings: How I feel about Levi starting preschool

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My happy 21 month old in the school playground

Last week Levi had his first day of school! David laughs when I call it school, arguing it’s essentially daycare; but to me (and for the record) it’s preschool, and it’s a pretty big deal. So far Levi’s been loving it and the adjustment has been easy peasy. Drop off has been painless and when I pick him up he runs out with a huge smile. What more could I ask for.

He’s signed up for a half day (9-1) at Lehrman Community Day School, after which I bring him home to nap till about 3. This marks the first time in 21 months he and I have been apart for more than two consecutive hours (minus a couple of 36 hour vacations David and I took). Crazy, right?

After a full year of countless mommy and me classes, and non stop play dates — our family was ready for this next step. Levi is both independent and full of energy and I felt he wanted and needed more stimulation than I could provide. And to be completely honest — I needed a break too.

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Motherhood Update: Levi at 19 Months

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And just like that our little Levi is closer to two years old than to one. He’s the same happy and sweet boy, only more mischievous. His latest obsession involves trying to climb on top of everything, whether it’s a box, a table, or a drum. I don’t mind him climbing on a box or a toy, but I draw the line at tables and anything that’s potentially dangerous. He’s also bossier. The other night I was singing him a lullaby and he simply looked at me and said “No. Bye.” Guess I have a lifetime of no’s to look forward to. 

The Terrible Ones

The “experts” say the best way to prevent the terrible twos is to prevent the terrible ones, and so that’s what we’ve been attempting to do. If Levi’s doing something he shouldn’t be, like pulling leaves off the plants or trying to climb on the barstools, we tell him no and calmly give him a warning. If he does it again, we silently place him in his crib for about one minute for a timeout (timeout duration should correspond to the child’s age). Then we take him out of the crib and resume business as usual. In his book, The New Basics, pediatrician Michel Cohen says toddlers don’t understand reason and lengthy explanations, but they do understand actions and that it’s the parents who decide the rules. The key is to keep your cool because yelling or getting frustrated provides the child with attention and that’s the last thing you want to give them when they’re misbehaving. This approach is straightforward and makes sense to me, so I’m going to stick to it for the time being.

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Ten Stay-at-Home-Mom Truths

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Levihighchair

Have you watched the Netflix show Workin’ Moms? If you haven’t I suggest you do because it’s a fairly accurate, albeit sometimes exaggerated portrayal of the challenges faced by modern moms. Despite its title, the Canadian sitcom addresses issues affecting all moms, regardless of whether they work or stay at home.

I think it’s natural for working moms and SAHMs to envy one another occasionally; the grass is always greener on the other side. I also believe there are lots of misconceptions surrounding what it means to be either. What’s more, there’s plenty of grey area. For instance, there are moms who work part time; moms who work full-time but from home; SAHMs with zero hired help, and SAHMS with a lot or a little hired help. Whatever your circumstances, it’s impossible to fully comprehend what someone is going through unless you step into their shoes.

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Motherhood Update: Levi at 16 Months

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Levi at 16 months

The first 12 months of motherhood were tough for me and I’ve been very candid about it here. Thankfully, right around Levi’s first birthday I started feeling better after finally seeking help for my postpartum anxiety/depression. I’m in no part saying being a mom is easy at any point, but I’ve been having plenty of fun with Levi since he turned one and I’m pretty jazzed about it. A lot of it has to do with my mental health, but part of it is because Levi’s grown into this fascinating little person.

We have a walker

Levi’s always been a happy boy, but man was he happy once he started walking around 14 months. He’s beyond excited to explore his surroundings, and it’s been a real joy to watch. Seeing his entire face light up when he picks up a branch or a rock is nothing short of delightful. To clarify, watching him pick up rocks gets boring after about five minutes, but seeing his face light up never gets old.

Now that Levi’s walking we’ve been taking him to the park which is such a nice activity even though he mainly likes the swings and picking garbage up off the ground (baby steps). Of course, walking has come with its own set of challenges, i.e., he has to be watched ALL of the time. Literally, I’ll be talking with David for 30 seconds only to find Levi dipping his hands into the toilet bowl (warning: this post may contain graphic imagery). He typically gets angry when I try sticking him in the play pen to get something done, but we don’t have any other space in the house that’s entirely baby proof — even our playroom has a massive lamp in it (we decorated before having a baby). Since I don’t want to place him in front of the T.V. just yet (we’re trying to hold off till he’s about two years old), preparing dinner has been a challenge if David’s not home in time to watch him.

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Lessons I’ve Learned the Hard Way as a New Mom

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Hard to believe this kiddo is 15 months

In my experience, being a mom isn’t really something you can prepare for. And while you can have all the advice in the world — you have to make your own mistakes too. I knew what not to do and yet I still did some of it. Why? Because it felt right at the time. Honestly, some of those early months are a bit of a blur. Hello, hormones and sleep deprivation. That said, I want to share some of the most important lessons I’ve learned over these last 15 months because maybe, just maybe, you’ll take some of my advice to heart. Or, or, you’ve been in the same boat and will feel comforted knowing at least one other person has been there too and gets it. So, without further ado…

Don’t be a hero. I believed if my job title was stay at home mom, well, I had to be really damn good at it. And for some inexplicable reason, that meant I had to do almost everything myself. I’m someone who craves control and can be a bit of a perfectionist, and so during Levi’s first year it was hard for me to trust others with his care. I also felt a strong need to prove myself as a mother, and as a result I didn’t hire enough help to begin with. What’s more, I turned down many offers for free (yes, free) help from willing family members.

This was wrong, SO wrong. The saying it takes a village to raise a child is just as true in our fast paced modern society as it was back when the term was coined (anyone know when that was)? We are not meant to do this alone. I repeat: we are not meant to do this alone, and we need all the support we can get. I actually felt guilty, that’s right— guilty leaving Levi with others in order to take some much needed time for myself. Well, playing the martyr eventually got old and led me to feel resentful and burnt out. I also think it’s one of the many reasons I ended up struggling with postpartum anxiety and, later, depression. So please don’t feel bad for getting help if you can afford it, and for the love of god don’t turn down free offers of help so you can practice self care (or at least accept most of them)!!! Others may not follow your baby’s routine as well as you’d like, but you deserve the break, and chances are your child will be just fine. This brings me to my second point…

It’s okay to break the rules sometimes. I love routine. A lot. I do better with structure, and I’m a firm believer kids benefit from rules and routine as well. That said, I’ll be the first to admit I became too obsessed with maintaining Levi’s sleep schedule during his first year. I mean I would literally stress out if he missed his nap or bedtime by more than ten minutes.

In addition to wanting Levi to get the rest he needed (and let’s be honest — I needed too), I desperately wanted to have a sense of control over both our schedules. My well intentioned desire to have him go to sleep on time and in his crib caused me to turn down many plans and outings. Unfortunately, my actions left me feeling more anxious and isolated than ever before and ultimately contributed to my PPD and anxiety.

Experience has taught me nothing bad will happen to either one of us if Levi goes to bed later once in a while. Even sleep experts will tell you well rested children can tolerate missed naps or later bedtimes every so often. In fact, it’s a normal part of life to make exceptions. But because of my postpartum anxiety, something so obvious just wasn’t clear to me at the time. Thank goodness I sought help. Not being afraid to break the rules here and there has made motherhood so much more enjoyable and I’m deeply grateful I was able to get there.

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